Accidental Parent....too late for reform??

[pampearson]

HELP!  My very spirited DD will turn 11 months on Sunday and I am just now realizing that we need help.  I just read Chapter  9 of the BW book (on ABC’s) and will admit that we are 100% the poster children for accidental parenting.  As of now:
1 - She can not fall asleep on her own at bedtime (or anytime ) despite a routine we have followed for 3 months including: bath, massage, reading, music, bottle.   She’s basically always wired.  It takes us 30 minutes (good night) to 1.5 hours (bad night) to get her to sleep by patting, walking, holding, and finally often co-sleeping until she falls asleep and then putting her in her crib (at 11 months!!!).
2 – She still wakes up several times during the night.  We have to pat her (on a good night) or pick her up and walk/hold/co-sleep with her to get her back to sleep (the usual scenario).  At least one time per night we have to give her a bottle in order to get her back to sleep (just to get the above stuff to work).   She was still eating every 3 – 4 hours during the night up until about a month ago…we’re down to one bottle for the most part now.
3- She simply hates to sleeps.  Seems like if she even suspects that you are trying to put her to sleep she gets upset.   Naps are just as bad.  A couple weeks ago daycare switched her to a 1 nap per day schedule so she sleeps from 12 to 1:30 (bad day) or 12 to 2:30 (very good day).  On weekends we can hardly get her to sleep during the day (maybe takes a 30 minute nap or two.)
My questions are at the bottom (if you want to skip the excuses) but here is the history:
I can’t make excuses for myself – I have been instilling (worse than reinforcing) negative behavior from the beginning.  She wanted to sleep through the night when we first brought her home from the hospital.  Being 1st time parents though we set the alarm for every 3 hours and I spent 30-45 minutes trying to wake her up to BF.  (Sounds very crazy to me now.)  Early on she was sleeping from 11 pm to 7 am but at 3.5 months she got her first ear infection and has not slept through the night since then.  I was a human pacifier for her (let her nurse all night long and whenever she cried) until 8 months when a bad case of mastitis put me in the hospital for 3 days.  Weaning her from the breast was a nightmare but she seems to have forgotten about it now. 
I can make excuses for her:  she had really horrible acid reflux and possibly dysphagia which was diagnosed at only 4 weeks.  She wanted to nurse around the clock for the antacid effect so would usually fall asleep on the breast.  I would have to hold her upright for 30 minutes after eating so she really never got to go to sleep on her own.  On top of this, at 3.5 months she got a bad ear and sinus infection.  From that point on she got about 1-2 per month.  She was always so congested that she could only sleep propped upright on a pillow which meant co-sleeping.  I am happy to report that her reflux seems much better now (we stopped the meds a month ago) and (knock on wood) she has not had an ear infection in 5 weeks.  So we’re ready to try changing these unhealthy behaviors we have instilled.
Questions:  I THINK the main problem here is that she doesn’t know how to fall asleep on her own and has a sleep aversion.  Any thoughts on which step to start first to change these habits?  Has anyone ever tried starting PUPD on a walking 11 month old?  We briefly tried putting her in her crib to go to sleep on her own last night and she just kept standing back up in the crib and playing…if I tried to hold her down she just squirmed her way out and stood up again.  When we left the room she kept playing for about 5 minutes then cried hysterically.  When we came back in (after about 3 minutes) and picked her up (from a standing position), her howling continued for about 15 minutes.  (Seemed genuinely devastated...not "faking" it.)  Same thing happened when she woke up in the middle of the night.  (Of course, the crying makes her congested and when she can’t breathe through her nose, she doesn’t want to sleep.) 
If anyone has any suggestions on how to tackle these problems I would greatly appreciate it!!  As a side note, none of this has affected her development..just mommy and daddy's sanity.  She has reached all of the milestones at or mostly ahead of the “textbook” (with the exception of sleeping through the night of course!!).  She just started walking last week. 

[dkjokisch]

I think she sounds overtired.  If she's not used to falling asleep one her own in the crib, she may respond better to Gradual Withdrawal.  Check out the FAQs section of this board, in particular...

https://babywhispererforums.com/index.php?topic=80750.0

Must go as dd is calling, but have a look and maybe post back with your full day/nighttime routine.

[andibig]

i would use gradual withdrawal as well since this is her first experience of sleep training.

[Layla]

Hi Pam & welcome to the boards!

I THINK the main problem here is that she doesn’t know how to fall asleep on her own and has a sleep aversion

That really is the the main issue. Its not uncommon and you are most certainly the only mother who has used AP to get your lo to sleep. And no, its not too late to reform!!!

I would definitely cut out all that walking, nursing, giving bottles, rocking. Start fresh, pick a method and stick to it. I know it sounds harsh but you really need to eliminate all AP from the picture and as long as you don't give in, she will learn faster. She may/will probably cry and it is a very real cry but she'll only cry because she will have no clue of what it is you want her to do. She's been used to falling asleep in a certain way and now that she has to learn a new way, it will involve some crying. Don't feel bad becuase you are not living her to cry on her own - you are there with her teaching her.

Any thoughts on which step to start first to change these habits?  Has anyone ever tried starting PUPD on a walking 11 month old?

Here's a link for sleep training for toddlers: - https://babywhispererforums.com/index.php?topic=63896.0
Here's anothe link which will help which method to chose: - https://babywhispererforums.com/index.php?topic=80750.0

Both links are from FAQ's. I know she is not quiet yet a toddler (and I am not relly sure how far she is from 12 months) but I do agree that GW is probably the best method at the moment considering that she is really dependant on you to sleep.

Daytime sleep and routine
At 11 months, she still needs 2 naps, a morning & afternoon nap. I know you said that she is only having 1 nap at daycare (which is probably not enough for her at the moment) so I would on those days put her to sleep a little earlier for the night.

Ideal routine would be:
6-6.30 - Awake
9ish - nap 1 (45mins)
1ish - nap 2 (1.5 hrs)
6.30 - bedtime

Is there any way daycare can continue with 2 naps??? I would cut the morning nap thou just so that she is taking an afternoon nap, otherwise you might find her taking a good morning nap and then not sleeping all afternoon. Overtired by bedtime and the cycle of overtiredness continues. Harder to fall asleep, even more restless sleep at night and fighting naps....

On weekends when she is at home, try 2 naps (30mins is really not enough)

Good luck & let me know what you think.
Layla

[pampearson]

Layla, Deborah, and Sasha's mom,

THANK YOU so much for the responses and advice!!  I just read the section on Gradual Withdrawal and feel much better about trying that out (vs. other methods, such as CIO!), even if it takes longer.  Especially since she seems to be teething pretty bad right now.  I read that that can interfere with "sleep training" but we have to start trying anyways (there will always be something!!).   I have not had a chance to read the section on Toddler's Sleep but will do so next.  I've posted her schedule at the bottom of this message.

Last night she (Kaila) went to sleep right away after her bottle (should we be trying to give her a bottle earlier so that is not part of her "bedtime routine"?)  probably out of exhaustion.  She had a rough nap at daycare...only slept for 45 minutes and woke up screaming hysterically.  They thought is was b/c of a tummy ache from her oatmeal (could have been gas but we mostly notice that happens when she wakes up b/c she can't breath).  Anyhow, as for the question on changing the naps...my DH and I were irritated that they switched her to 1 nap a day and complained but they are adamant about keeping all the kids on the same schedule (half her class is 1 already so it probably works for those kids).  So I think we're stuck w/ it.  We've asked them to work hard to get her to sleep for at least 2.5 hours.  (Good luck!) 
So anyways, last night she slept soundly from 7:30 pm until 12 pm.  Then she woke crying and I went in and just put my hand on her (maybe a little patting) and she went back to sleep...until 1 am.  Then from 1 until 3 am I stood there with her trying to get her to go back to sleep without the bottle.  She squirmed and cried and just couldn't do it (she starts to get drowsy but then it's as if she realizes that she's about to fall asleep and wakes herself up).  I finally gave in at 3 am and gave her a bottle (was trying to get her to hold out until 5 am...which would be fine w/ me at this point!).  She then went back to sleep, right away so I stuck her in her crib.  She woke up 20 minutes later crying and I had to put my hand on her for about 20 minutes until she went back to sleep.  She slept until 7:30.  She is very inconsistent so it is hard for me to post a schedule but below is an attempt:

Between 11 pm - 5:30 am - 6 oz Bottle
6:00-7:30 am- Wakes (If she had her bottle closer to 11 pm, she wakes at 5:00 and wants an additional 6 oz bottle. If she had it at 5:30, we have to wake her up at 7:30 and then just take her to daycare for her bottle.  So some days she has an "extra" bottle, which is probably too much intake!)
8:30 - 6 oz Bottle and breakfast food at daycare
11:30 - 6 oz Bottle and lunch food at daycare
12:00 - Nap (45 minutes to 2.5 hours, depends)
3:00 -6 oz Bottle and snack food at daycare
6:00 - 4 oz Bottle and dinner food at daycare
7:00 - Bath, massage, music, read book
7:30 - 6 oz bottle
7:45 - 9:00 Bed (depends on how long it takes us to get her to sleep!)

Any additional thoughts/advice are appreciated!!!
Pam

[Layla]

Pam - on those days when she is not napping well, I would definitely go for an earlier bedtime. 7.30pm is too late if she had only 1 - 45min nap. Bedtime should be something like 6pm (the latest). Do not fear that she will be ready to start the day at 5am.... she might even sleep in later & her nightsleep will be less restless. At night, as hard as it is... try not to give milk. Maybe try diluting it to water and eventually offer just water at night. Its really hard though because she is constantly tired from not sleeping well during the day so my best advise is to do a super early bedtime to give her a chance to catch up on sleep. On weekends give her 2 naps.

Good luck & let me know how you go
Layla

[dkjokisch]

I agree.  And actually, looking at your schedule, 7:30pm on a daily basis seems a bit late regardless of how well she has napped.  Every kid is different, but at 11mos, dd was sleeping 11.5-12hrs at night and 2-3hrs during the day.  I guess it depends on how often she's up at 6am vs. 7:30am.  It looks like you have some constraints with regard to bedtime if she is still in daycare at 6pm, but I would work to eliminate those night feedings, then stabilize bedtime and wake-up times so she is on a more predictable schedule.