How do you get a 20 month old off the breast?

[Glen's Mum]

Hi there, can anyone help, I am at my wits end, my son is 20 months old and eats and drinks just as he should, however, he
still goes on the breast, i think its mainly for comfort and for when he's sleepy, but I want to stop, yet every time I try his crying breaks my heart,
please help, all comments and suggestions will be much appreciated. Sara

[Samuel's mum]

Some nurslings are more attached emotionally to nursing to others. Especially when it has any kind of sleep association. Of course at the end of the day it's your body and you have to balance your needs with his. It wouldn't be good for him in the long term if you continued unhappily and he sensed that.
However a successful weaning process for both you and your son may take a few weeks.
I think your first step is to break any kind of sleep association. It's important he doesn't actually fall asleep while nursing and you need to ensure he has fully developed skills to fall asleep without it. I'm just guessing that there is an association as you mention the sleepy thing. He may need something else as a transitional object. It may even be something associated with nursing - a particular bra (I know that might sound odd but chances are that your smell is part of the comfort.) Or perhaps introduce a blanket/cloth that is always there when you nurse and eventually he will gain comfort from holding that and cuddling you without the actual nursing.

Then rather than think about dropping specific feeds (as it's likely he doesn't feed at regular times) - try and bargain a little with him. If he asks to nurse I wouldn't refuse point blank (which may just trigger more insecurities and further asking) but go for delaying tactics. So say 'yes, but first I just need to do X. Will you help me?' Or 'Let's eat some fruit first', 'let's read a book first and have a cuddle'. If even that starts a panic you could try and introduce a more concrete waiting devise - an eggtimer, counting to 10 (which can be slow or fast). Then while the nursing is actually happening you can restrict time at the breast too using a counting system. 'Mummy has to go and do something. Let's just have milk for 'count to 10''. You just want him to realise that the world doesn't end if milk isn't immediate. And gradually he may come to be so involved in the distraction that he forgets to ask again. Some toddlers are fine with a simple 'later' or 'after dinner'. Some need shorter waiting times. The main thing is you are not giving him a straight 'rejection'. You are just saying 'Yes, we can. But this first'. [I'm assuming here that you are no longer offering the breast but waiting for him to ask.]

Some more older or more communicative children may understand that they can only have milk a certain number of times in one day and physically take off tokens from a chart. And when they are gone - they're gone. So he has control.

But the main thing you need to do is break associations - so break sleep associations. Have someone else put him to bed for a few days if that will help. Change routines and places. So if nursing always happens in particular chair - avoid it. If it's always at a certain time of day - do different things.

And offer lots of comfort and physical affection. I think with nursing older toddlers it's easy to fall into the pattern of less cuddles at other times as the affection/physical connection cup gets filled with nursing. So if he asks for nursing and you suspect it's for comfort give a big huge cuddle and smile and say 'not right now because I need to go and put washing in the washing machine. Will you help me?'

Nursing up until now has been what he's used too. It is associated with comfort and affection and he just needs to learn a new comfort language. I would just and avoid the flat out 'NO' - use other tactics to distract him and give him alternatives.

It may be helpful for you to begin with considering his current nursing patterns. And look at how much of a sleep association he has. Does he actually fall asleep while nursing for example? Because if he does you may need a different approach first.

And feel confident you are doing the right thing. Because if he crumbles (at the idea of waiting initially for example) and he senses that you have any doubts about what you are doing it will make things harder. Don't justify your overall decision ('you're a big boy now etc' - because he won't see it like that) - just focus on that one moment 'I really need to go and make lunch now. I'm really hungry. (so you are trying to develop empathy skills too). Come and help me. We can have milk later'

[Glen's Mum]

Thank you for that, its not all sleep associated, and I do the delay tactics, and he gets lots of affection throughout the day, and he isn't on for very long, I just find it more and more exhausting, and I'm starting to worry about what other people think (this never used to bother me, so why now?).
Part of me would love to go on, but I really am exhausted, I just want my body back, I feel so selfish saying that, this really is getting me down

Sara

[RachelC]

Hi Sara and welcome to the boards.

Don't feel selfish.  {{{{hugs}}}}  You have been everything to your son for 29 months, it's nice to be able to have some time to yourself when you don't have to think about how he's doing without breast milk.  What happens when you are not around to give him milk?  Does he ask when someone else is looking after him?

I do now how you are feeling.  My dd2 will be 21 months soon and I am still bfing 3 times a day, at first wake up (and she then goes back to sleep), before nap (definite sleep association  , but up until 2 days ago, she had no problem going down w/o me... but this time she refused to settle and just kept signing "milk" at dh, but today she popped of the breast before sleeping and did go to sleep anyway), and as the first step of the bedtime routine.  As soon as I (or dh) say "time to get ready for bed" she is signing "milk".  Some days I feel like I need to be done (stopped at 11/12 months with dd2) and other days I just wish it could go on forever. 

[Samuel's mum]

You are so not selfish. Please don't think for a moment that you are.

What happens when you try and delay for a little longer and perhaps say 'when we come back from the shops' and make it associated with a concrete event later in the day?
You could also make rules that it can only happen in certain places e.g. one room in the house. Or at specific times - only when he's in pyjamas. And just be consistent.
If you shorten the feeds more and more your supply will begin to decrease further and that may affect his motivation.

[Glen's Mum]

Thank you both for your support and suggestions.  It breaks my heart, because I know that its something very special that only we share, and I know it will really upset me when it stops, but its just so difficult.  We recently moved to this small village in Wales (I'm originally from Glasgow) for my husbands work, and its just Glen and I all week, I have no family or friends, and I think that just makes every little thing seem huge.  As for the breast, he doesn't need it, because he can go all day without it, he'll go on before bed time, but he can go for full days without, but if we are in the house then he would happily be on all day, I'll try out your suggestions, and thank you both again, this has been a huge help.

Sara

[Samuel's mum]

I can imagine it feels rubbish when you haven't got people around you. We do have several Welsh members so go and say hello on the regional/ meet-ups board. I know exactly what you mean about things seeming 'huge' when you don't have any distraction.

I think anyone breastfeeding an older child can sometimes feel a bit nervous about the reaction of others but others don't really need to know most of the time. I think many of us know someone who was or is an older nursling and we don't even know it.

Come back and chat and let us know how you get on.