22 m.o. previously great sleeper has started night wakings-help!

[Meredith123]

Hi there,
I'm looking for some input...

My 22 month old son has been a great sleeper. Since he was 13 months old he has slept through for 12 hours at night and has had good naps during the day. All of a sudden this past week he has started waking up 2-3 times through the night. Here's how this whole thing started...

About a month ago he started going to daycare. For his naps there they sit beside his bed until he falls asleep. At home we would put him into his crib, say goodnight and leave the room. He was perfectly happy to fall asleep on his own. Then a couple of weeks ago he started crying when I would leave the room. All of a sudden I found myself staying in his room until he fell asleep...I know it's bad, but it all happened so fast! Initially this wasn't so bad as he was still sleeping through the night. I thought it might be due to some separation anxiety since I had started leaving him at daycare.

Then about a week ago our smoke detector went off when we were cooking dinner. This really scared my little guy and he has been quite upset about it ever since. His behaviour has changed quite a bit, he's more clingy at times, and he retells the story of the smoke detector going off many times during each day. He's quite fixated on it. Anyway, since then, not only do we sit with him to fall asleep, but he's now waking up through the night and we end up sitting with him for 30-45 minutes each time, until he falls asleep again. Last night he was awake from 1-5am! I'm not sure if this has anything to do with the smoke detector, but the times coincide.

I guess my question is...should I do Walk in/Walk out in this situation, or should I sleep in his room with him until he starts sleeping through the night again? We seem to be going backwards...I started just sitting in the room with him to fall asleep but then it got worse. Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks,
Meredith

[MDHmommy]

Ick, that's tough.

Have you done any sleep training with him in the past?

It seems to me that since you've got some anxiety issues going on that you might want to set up camp in his room for a couple of nights just to put his mind at ease. And I'd speak with him about it a lot when you're doing it - so he understands what's going on. Then you can move into gradual withdrawl if you think that's appropriate - or start Wi/Wo if it becomes necessary (i.e. a week has gone by with no improvement)

Let us know how you do!

[Meredith123]

We have used PU/PD in the past and it worked really well. We used PD to help get rid of his soother dependence (when he was 13 m.o.), so he has always been quick to figure these techniques out. We know that he CAN independently fall asleep and soothe himself back to sleep, since he has been doing that for 9 months, but for some reason he's just not choosing to do it right now!

Last night my husband lay down on the floor in Daniel's room when he was falling asleep, then left after he was asleep. Daniel woke up once through the night and I went in and lay down with him again. He stood up in his crib once to check that I was there, but he went back to sleep more quickly than he had the past couple of nights. I left after he fell asleep and he slept through until the morning.

Should I be staying in his room for the whole night? Is that what will help him get back into the pattern of self-soothing when he wakes up through the night?

Thanks for your help!

[MDHmommy]

I have done it both ways - "textbook" says yes, stay all night so that you instill trust - but you can play it by ear - if you are able to get up and go back to your own bed without NWs after that, then by all means do that!

Great progress - keep us posted!

[Layla]

Hi Meredith & welcome to the boards

My little girl got really scared of an electric devise a few months ago (2.5yo) & her sleep went downhill as well. To start with I would do gradula withdrawal (which is the path you are going down at the moment having to sit with him). You could try a mattress on the floor & move it towards the door every couple of days but in the meantime, during the day I would work on helping him with his fear.

This is cut & paste from another post of what helped us..

Isabella recently had a scare (an electric sander that next door neighbour was using). She was scared of her room & her cot so some of the things I did that helped was:

* I spent a lot of time in her room (more than 1/2 of the day actually) & as soon as she would ask me about the sander I would validate her feelings & not make her think that her fears are silly, etc...

* Dh & I brought a sander into the house & dh used it to sand a piece of wood in front of her. She was not forced to watch (dh was in the garage) but she kept going in & out as she pleased. So here you could maybe let him see the alarm & take it down so he can play with it. Or maybe get ear cuffs & let the alarm go off so that he can see how the alarm works. Obviously if he's getting really scared then swtich it off.

* I gave her control over the things she could & wanted to hear. I got her ear plugs but she didn't like to wear them so I told her she could cover her ears with her hands if she didn't like any particular sound. She still does this when something is very loud & she doesn't like hearing it... she will cover her ears & say "Bella don't like that noise" (this one was suggested to me by Kate & its been doing wonders).

*I actually did spend the 1st 3 days sitting with her until she fell asleep because her fear was VERY real & she was totally petrified of her cot. I believe if I had been doing wi/wo from day 1, I would have caused more damage. You could tell she was very scared because she wouldn't even go into her room to start with & she was frightened of the smallest things & jump up & cry when I would put the tap on. It really depends on how anxious he really is. So again in your case I think its good that you are sitting with him as wi/wo would probably cause more anxieties & intensify the fear

*I got her a little night light (one you can plug into socket) but she kept on insisting for me to leave the "big" light on & wanted the night light off. So I bought this amazing product from ebay (let me know if you are interested & I'll post the link). It only cost me $6.50 (incl postage - in Australia). You plug it into where the light bulb goes & then put the light bulb in & with the on-off switch the lights will either dim over 24mins or will go to straight dim (or you can have it all off or on to fullest brightness). So now there are no battles over the lights being on or off. I leave the lights on for her to fall asleep with (its very dim) & she has the control over it being the "big" light. I switch it off once she is asleep as she has woken up a few times at night & asked me to switch the lights off (weird how she wants them on to fall asleep with but off for the rest of the night ).We still have the light dimmer on when she goes to sleep & I turn it off once she is asleep. This worked REALLY well for us as well

*I also gave her a cross (its a children's cross with painting of farm, trees, animals rather than the crucifix). She also sleeps with her teddies & lovey & I talk about how much they all protect her at night when mummy is not around

*Finally (& this I was also told about on this site) you could get a spray & infront of him spray the room & tell him its special dust that keeps the birds away. I did this & also say "NO SANDERS ALLOWED IN THIS HOUSE" with a really serious voice when she would mention one.

Layla


Some things that worked for us & maybe you could try some during the day. Once you see that his fears are subsiding then you could work on taking yourself out of the picture when he falls asleep. Move the chair towards the door & in the end you could try leaving the door adjar & once you see that he is no longer scared & if he's still dependant on you at night you could do wi/wo.

Let me know if you have any q's
Layla

[Meredith123]

Thanks for the great advice Layla!

I hadn't mentioned it before, but I did try WI/WO for one night (while I was thinking that he was just being stubborn, not actually scared) and after that was when he started waking up through the night. Previous to that he had just wanted me or my husband in his room as he was falling asleep initially. So you're right, he wasn't ready for that!

Last night I lay on a mattress on his floor as he was falling asleep and he went to sleep quickly. When I would just sit by the door he had gotten into the habit of saying, "Mommy sit" every few minutes to check that I was still there. When I told him that I was going to lie down he didn't do that checking, so that was good. I left his room when he fell asleep.
He woke up again at 12:00, really crying. He stopped and settled down as soon as I went in his room. I lay down again and stayed there for the rest of the night. He woke up once more through the night, but I let him know that I was there and he went right back to sleep.
He woke up crying in the morning too, but again he was fine when he realized that I was there.

I think tonight I will try staying in his room for the whole night, so we don't have the big crying spell in the middle. Hopefully that will help.

Thanks so much for the suggestions and reassurance!

[Meredith123]

An update...

Last night I stayed in Daniel's room for the whole night. He went to sleep easily at 7:30. He woke up at 12:00 but I let him know I was there before he could start crying. The same thing happened at 3:00, 5:30, and 6:30.

I don't think that this is really improvement...he didn't have to cry, which was good, but he woke up more frequently.

I also learned from the woman who looks after him at daycare that he gets very upset if she leaves the room and he has to stay with one of the other caregivers. Is it common that a 22 month old would have separation anxiety?

[Meredith123]

Another update:

My husband and I have been taking turns sleeping in Daniel's room for the past 5 nights. He has been improving - last night he slept through! I have a couple of questions though...

He gives me a harder time than my husband when going to sleep initially, or if he does wake up through the night. He'll stand up to check that I'm there more frequently than with my husband, and then he cries if I don't help him lie back down again (he's more than capable of doing that himself, and he does it himself for my husband). He has been trying to take more advantage of me in general lately (ie. with eating as well), so this seems to be a continuation of that. I am the one that (so far) has been dropping him off at daycare, so his "trust issues" are to do with me leaving him, not his father.

What should I do/say to him when he stands up in his crib? I don't want to continue to get up off the mattress to help him lie back down because the night that I did do that he stood up every 15 minutes from 1am - 2:30am, saying, "Help Mommy. Lie Down." Any suggestions?

Also, we are planning to go visit my parents this weekend. Should we continue to sleep in the room with him at their place too?

Thanks for your help!

[MDHmommy]

Hi Meredith,
We went through a very similar thing with our DS this summer. I think he's testing you, for sure. If it were me, I would stop "helping" him to lie down. If his issue is SA, then you can continue to sleep in the room, but when he wakes up - say "it's sleep time, lie down." and don't help him.

It's likely that he'll throw a fit if you don't "help" him lie down, but that's ok. He's just showing his frustration. Just stay in the room and stay on your "bed" and say things like "I know it's frustrating, but it's sleep time - lie down." He will eventually lie down and go to sleep. He might cry for a long time - but you have not left him - you are just letting him work it out, he is old enough to do that.

After you've got that sorted out, I would start moving your "bed" area away from his crib and into the hallway. With a kid his age, you can quickly get trapped into sleeping in his room for weeks and months. He's not going to like it, but just remember - you are not abandoning him - you are right there. You can talk to him and reassure him with your voice without leaving him to cry alone. I'd get started on that asap if I were you - my experience has been that the older they get the more "stubborn" they are in their protest ...

As for the weekend - you might *try* to let him sleep alone, it might be that the new/different place will be helpful in kind of "re-setting" his expectations that you will stay. But do be prepared to camp out in there if it doesn't work out.

Kate

[Meredith123]

Thanks, that sounds like good advice.

If he wakes up through the night and we aren't sleeping in his room anymore, what should we do then? That's sort of how the whole thing escalated in the first place...stared with sitting with him while he was falling asleep, then he started waking more frequently at night to check if we were still there. Should I actually be lying in the hallway so that I can talk to him through the night if he wakes up? Would WI/WO work in this case?

[MDHmommy]

Meredith,
With sleep just like anything else - it depends on *how* your child is crying. If he is crying in pain or crying sounding like he's really scared or something, you'll handle that a lot differently than you would if he were throwing a tantrum because he can't have a cookie.

The most important thing is going to be to set out a plan and try to stick to it as well as you can. At his age it's more likely that he's testing your limits than having true SA. SA typically wouldn't last for more than a few weeks unless there were something happening to exasperate the situation - but with you guys sleeping in his room like you have been for as long as you have been, I think it's the former not the latter.

So here's what you might do:

Tonight and for the next 3 nights:
Put your bedding near his crib and go to sleep as normal
When he wakes, stay lying down and say "sssh...sleep time, lie down and go to sleep" don't get up, just keep talking to him. Expect that he will throw a major tantrum.
Make sure that you are not disrupting him getting himself back to sleep if/when he stirs by staying still and quiet unless he stands up and speaks to you/cries for you. Meaning don't respond at all unless he's crying - and then only respond with soothing, boring, reassuring words from your spot on the floor. Don't get into lengthy dialogs, or bargaining...keep it to one phrase: "sssshh. Sleep time, lie down and go to sleep." You can add "I'm right here" if you need/want to.

Night 4-6:
Move your bedding 1/2 way between his crib and the doorway. Repeat as above.

Night 7-9:
Move your bedding out of the door, just outside the door - keep the door open. Repeat as above.

After night 9 - the hope is that the wakes will have significantly slowed or gone away entirely...let's cross that bridge when you get to it! You can try Wi/Wo - but my experience has been that it just frustrates LOs this age much worse and makes matters much worse. I've had GREAT luck with it with older babies (eg 10-12 mos) but once you get into full-blown toddler hood, I have not had luck with it. What I've done is keep the same basic concept of Wi/Wo even with some Put Down for my toddler, but I've extended the time between visits to 1-2 minutes but ONLY when it's a tantrum cry that we're dealing with. (My DS will stand in the bed and yell at me angrily to come back! I don't respond to that...I do go back if he's sobbing and really truly upset) I can help you through that if it comes to that - but hopefully this Gradual Withdrawal will work for you and LO!

[Meredith123]

Thanks so much Kate, we'll give it a try!

[MDHmommy]

Good luck Meredith! And I forgot to mention, don't be discouraged if a few nights in your LO starts to regress a bit, that's totally normal and to be expected just be SUPER consistent! 

[Layla]

Meredith, also wanted to give you think link to a sleep training diary (GW) https://babywhispererforums.com/index.php?topic=104554.0

 

[Meredith123]

2 nights into this plan and we are doing alright...Daniel has slept through both nights until 5:30am. The first night he woke up and refused to go back to sleep, he threw a tantrum when I wouldn't get him out of his crib. My husband ended up getting him up because he was worried about disturbing the neighbours (we live in a townhouse). The second night he woke up at 5:30 again, but he did lie down until 6:00. I think he was kind of drifting in and out of sleep, but then the cat pushed the door open and came into his room, so that was the end of sleeping. Stupid cat.

I am right in thinking that until we have completed the gradual withdrawl we just deal with getting up so early, and then maybe try to fix that later?