too many issues to deal with.. where to start?

[Renee's mommy]

I don't know if this is the Right place to write, but I have to... I just need to order my thoughts now...
I have been dealing with many many issues which I have posted in here before.
This is not really an eating or sleeping post... it is everything and nothing at the same time.
I have been dealing with Silent Reflux, poor feedings, short naps, and many many NW.
As a posted before and received advice, I tried to set a new schedule to my LO.As I tried the new EASY, It didn't feel so easy. Anyway I give it a try. And after 10 days, I felt as if things were kind of better around last Friday. The weekend came and everything mixed up.
I have the idea that EASY it as a flexible routine, at least that I understood when I read it. As the weekend came, and we went out to do several chores. When the nap time came she wouldn't sleep out. So I had a severely stimulated baby at mid afternoon. She wouldn't feed properly, Renee won't eat unless we are in her room, darkened, without distractions. Eventhough I went in to the car, and tried to do the same kind of environment. I didn't have any success.
Sunday I tried to stay glued at home, while hubby left for some more errands. But simply the fact that he was around somewhere excited Renee and the schedule was all mixed up. He tried to help me to sleep Renee for her naps but it only backfired. Since he works for so many hours during the week and sees so little of her, it seems very unfair to not let him go close to her since he makes her too "happy". I also felt miserable not to be able to do my stuff, since I have to be there to LO all the time
I have to sit next to her crib while napping, so I can send her back to sleep. Otherwise she'll spend 20 minutes naps. If this happens, I try to send her to sleep after 1 and a half hour of A time. Then I have to stay again in the room for the whole napping time. And I try to soothe myself telling me, this is temporary. But I can't seem to work, I can't seem to post, I can't seem to do anything but being with her.
I haven't been able to go to work, for two weeks now. I am a co owner, so I can get away with it. But I just can't stop working. And it seems it is not possible to do both.
I just can't seem to convince myself in to the daycare thing. I just can't. I don't have any relatives to leave her for a couple of hours. So I am stuck with her all day long. And I feel guilty just talking about it. But some times I just need a time for myself.
I have been EBF since the beginning. Many people tells me that the root of all my issues is that my baby is too used to me. If I were to give her formula, she would sleep better, she would gain weight properly, she would not have reflux. ...BS... Fortunately DH supports me. But everybody else is questioning me like "Are STILL BF?"
It doesn't make anysense to me.
She gets distracted so easily while eating, and the reflux.... so she feeds more at night, and now she is used to that. Don't have any clue how to do all the way around. I have tried to use the pacifier. But now it has changed. If she doesn't want to eat during the NW, she would only stop crying if a held her or put her in MY bed. She sleeps in a co sleeper. I just think she has to go to her room now. It'll be a week or so of suffering.... but I have to do it. I would like to start immediately, during this long weekend (its a holiday in here in Mexico). But In laws are coming to visit for the whole weekend, so I'll have to wait until they go. We have had three nights now with 4 to 5 NW, and I now she is not hungry since I am expressing my milk (yes! at night!), and feeding her at 1 am 4 to 5 oz of milk, and she wakes up again an hour later, just fussing and crying.
She is on treatment now for reflux, and she has improved a lot. But I think the problem is not the reflux, but my input to her. That I am the one creating all this mess.
She just wants to be with me all day long... I know.. I did it!
A friend gave me the BabyWise book a week ago, hoping it would help me. I have read 68 pages so far. It just makes me feel I AM THE PROBLEM. And even though it is true, it just feels awful to see you are the one to blame.
The worst part is that I am intelligent enough to know that I am not the first mother that has to work, and raise a baby, and deal with a home, and deal with a business that is going through a difficult phase. But right now it just feels too much. I don't know where to start fixing things up. But I just need I have to start now.
I have some help at home, with the heavy duty activities at home. But still, I have to do stuff, be sure things are up and running at home... and at the end of the day, I am such a control and cleaning freak it just makes things worse..
Some times when I am on the verge of losing control I have stopped me from raising my voice and tone to my DD, and I know it is not her to blame. And just thinking I may lose control with my DD makes me worry much more, because I don't want her to have a neurotic mom.
And for last and no least I am not such a good wife. I am too tired at night when I see my husband, and weekends as well. And my mood, is like always I want to chew him alive. He does try to help, he fixes dinner everyday, for example, changes diaper at 7 am, but I just don't know how to share more responsibilities with him. If he tries to sleep LO she'll start crying until I am the one around. If he tries to feed her with my milk in a bottle same thing. Some times he also does the bath ritual with her, but he does not arrive early enough everyday, so he can do it daily, so if I wait for him DD will take the bath really late. Or won't even take it since sleep won over. So If he is not home, I have to do it as well.
So I don't know how to play with my LO, give her solids (it takes an hour to do so, since she doesn't like them), do laundry, walk the dog, deal with business issues, guard her naps, change her diaper, improve BF times, have her just up 30 minutes after each meal, give her medicines, take a bath, see customers, see suppliers, do bank movements, check finances stuff, make payments (office), request material, negotiate prices, supervise help, give her a bath, read her a go to bed story, deal with 4 NW, it just all seems too much. I feel like I am over complaining.... so besides being a failure I am a complainer now...
Sorry for this mail... but I just have to take out all my feelings... otherwise I feel I am about to explode...

[mumofalice]

I just wanted to send you HUGE hugs. I couldn't even begin to tell you where to start but wanted you to know that you've come to the right place - there will be loads of replies to your post with great advice - of that I'm sure.

I can't imagine exactly how you're feeling . . . I've been blessed with a LO who has generally been a good sleeper - but she is Textbook / Touchy which makes it very difficult for her to sleep when we're out - so I've had those days when I've just stayed in because it was easier. I too exclusively BF my LO - and there are days when I've wondered if it might have been easier if I'd bottle fed - but more often than not I am really proud that I've managed to get this far.

I don't have a business (in fact have just been made redundant - so will be working for myself when maternity leave is done!) but I do have 2 dogs and a husband who works 12 hr shifts - so he's either here all day or he's not around for 3 or 4 days. So . . . just when I've worked out a routine for DD and myself my husband has a couple of days off and it doesn't work quite so well iykwim.

I wish I was a cleaning control freak - our house is a complete bombsite at the moment and I don't seem to have the time to get round to doing anything about it - there are 2 dogs that need walking, a LO who needs feeding and entertaining, washing and cooking to name but a few chores - cleaning and tidying are always at the bottom of my list and I never get to them.

I'm in no way comparing myself to you - I can tell that you're really down . . . but just wanted you to know that I do have crappy days too.

[Andrea T]

Hi Renee'smommy~

Just wanted to give you a HUGE hugs*, and tell you it's ok (even though I know how you feel, about everything seeming out of control.)  It's ok, it will get better. 

I read your whole post, and I don't think I saw how old your DD is?  I don't have all the answers for you, but I can tell you that you are not the only one, that's for sure.  I definately have to stay home for my DS's naps, and find it easier to just go out in the "A" time.  It sometimes means more trips out in a day, but it's worth it in the end.  We also find that on weekends our routine goes out the window since DH is home, and we want to do things.  And also that our lo gets so excited by DH, that sometimes he gets OS.  But I think you're on the right track by trying to have your DH do calming activities with your DD, like bath time etc.  If your DH supports you, hopefully you can work out some kind of routine that works for you on the weekend, so that maybe even you can go out on your own for some errands that you need to do, and maybe do something nice for yourself.  Is your daughter going through seperation anxiety right now?  Maybe that could be party why she wants/needs you around so much?  I could be wrong about this, but I think in TBWSAYP, Tracy says that this phase usually passes in about a month or so, so don't feel it will be forever.

We also have to go to a dark/quiet room for feeds.  Have you tried putting a brightly colored cloth/material on the shoulder by where you nurse, so that your lo can look at it, and hopefully that will keep her from wanting to look around the room (then she can concentrate on eating more?)


As far as the 20minute naps go, do you think your lo is OT?  I know that when we got into the OT pattern, it helped a lot to just take a few days, not worry about routines or anything, and just let our lo sleep whenever and wherever he could.  I know it's not BW, but maybe it would help to get your lo's sleep deprivation under control, and maybe you could sleep when she slept a little bit so you don't feel so tired, and then you could try BW again once you all feel better.  I know that for ourselves, once I stopped worrying so much about sleeping/eating etc, things seemed to get better, and then we got back on our BW routine again. 

Anyway, not sure if this will help much, but just wanted to give you some encouragement, that you really ARE doing a great job, you are a good mom, and you wouldn't be here trying to get help if you weren't.

It may be helpful if you post a typical day for your DD so we can see what it's like too.  Please let us know how you're making out..

Andrea

[Renee's mommy]

thanxs thanxs thanxs thanxs
just for feeling that some one listened is more than enough... believe me is enough help to have someone that listens when I feel so crappy...
I do have a dog as well (an Airedale) and right now.. the poor girl is in total abandonment. The good thing is that i think she is the understandable one.
But you both really really saw how I am feeling, today has been a difficult day combining both mommy/business things.
My LO is 6 months old, and for the first three months it was really OK... she had 1 NW or two at most, from 8 pm to 9 am... suddenly we had 5 o 6 NW the schedule changed, the naps got reduced, and suddenly she was diagnosed with Reflux, she slept at 8 and woke at 6 am (with 4 to 5 NW), I am on the verge of collapsing.
When she was diagnosed, I tried to feed her all day long, since she was not gaining weight, the reflux worsened, the naps were drastically reduced. Along with the problems I had at work, everything messed up. Even my supply went down, so from 3 months ago I pump everytime I BF(after feedings) to maintain my supply (except at night), since my daughter is not that good eater.
I haven't tried the colored cloth, but I sure will, I'll do anything to get her to eat. I am so proud to be BF, I don't know why everybody around me seems to be questioning me? Like it was a dependency thing from myself, or as the root of all my problems?
And yes... I feel my DD is constantly OT. Some times I feel I put her through too much for being so young, being up and down from home to the office, playing while I talk wit customers, her favorite toy seems to be my laptop.  I was not considering it was the Separation Anxiety stage, sometimes I think I am the one with Separation Anxiety, since it is not easy for me to let go chores, specially the ones concerning DD
I totally adore my daughter, and I'll do anything for her. I have tried to sell my business, but couldn't find a buyer. I took a loan for it, and it is impossible for me to just close it. So I have to find a way to combine, I just can't seem to put my ideas in order.
The EASY I have tried, and where we are with a typical day is:
6:30 - 7 am. WAKE UP AND BF
7:15 - 9 am ACTIVITY TIME, TV TIME. BABY FIRST TV.
9 am -9:45 am NAP TIME AT HER ROOM...
@ 9:45 am to 10 am-  BF
11 am- SOLIDS
@ 11:30 to 12am - 1pm NAP TIME AT HER ROOM....
1pm - BF
1:3O pm SOLIDS
4:00 pm - 5:30 pm NAP TIME AT HER ROOM (usually this is the longest nap)
5:30 pm - BF
7:30 pm - BATH TIME
8:00 pm - SLEEPING ROUTINE going to her room, BF, reading nightime story, rocking DD until half sleep (stage 2 or 3), putting her in to her crib)
10 pm - TO THE CO SLEEPER we change her while sleeping to her co sleeper in our bedroom
            EXPRESS MILK, FEEDING DD WHILE SLEEPING @ 4 oz
**NEXT THESE ARE APROX TIME *** AVERAGE NIGHT
12 am- NW - pacifier,
1:30 am - NW - BF
3 am - NW paci...
4:30 am NW BF
5:30 - NW paci... very hard to send her to sleep, finally I leave her in our bed, between us both. ( i know..   )
6:30 - 7 WAKE UP TIME...

These have been the last 4 nights. If we have a good night, like last week, she would only have the NW involving BF

Anymore ideas...
thanks again... so so much..
Thanks again...

[sherry lynn]

If she wakes at 6:30, maybe try putting her down at 8:30?? I think 2 1/2 hours might be too much first thing in the morning. My LO is 6 months old too day, we are on the low end of awake times, but he can do only 1 hour 30 minutes max before he goes down for his first nap, which is usually his best nap of the day. She might even need to go down before 8:30 to break the OT cycle.
Also, my schedule looked very much like yours about a month ago. My longest nap was the last nap of the day. I had to fix my LO being overtired. I think your DD is very overtired by the end of the day. I also had to fix the feeding cycles. I also was doing a 3 hour feeding cycle because of horrible naps. I know you are having breastfeeding issues, and your LO doesn't eat much. But I would really really try stretching her a little further. If she can't learn to go longer between feedings it will be very hard for you to get good naps and longer awake times. I don't know how to do this with breast feeding problems, and reflux, maybe somebody else can help you with this.
I was like you, at my wits end about a month ago. Things are not perfect by any means for me, but they are better. I hope they get better for you soon.
Good luck.
Once you break the OT cycle, I think it will help a lot with the NW.

[Andrea T]

Hi Reneesmommy~

Thanks so much for posting your routine, I think this may really help now.  It looks like you're doing a great job really, maybe your routine just needs a few tweaks, but it looks like you're staying pretty tuned in to what your DD needs.

So I'm not totally familiar with the 6 month old stage yet, since our DS is 5.5 months old, but maybe some of the things that helped him at this age will help you I hope!  I'm not very familiar with reflux, so I'm not even really going to attempt any comments on it, except that I heard it helps a lot if you elevate your crib to about 30 degress?  I'm sure you've already tried this though!

For us, getting a longer nap in the am. was crutial to the rest of the day.  (We're still working on this some days!)  It goes against commen sense, but we've had to try to keep our lo up a little longer than usual in order to get a longer nap.  If he's not tired enough, then he's not relaxed enough to take a good long nap.  Here's a link to what the typical "A" times are for certain ages:   https://babywhispererforums.com/index.php?topic=64158.0.  For example, our lo wakes at 7:00am (sometimes he wakes earlier and just talks to himself in his crib) and if I put him down at 8:45 (even if he's woken early and talked in his crib) he takes a 45 minute nap, because he's not tired enough.  I always THINK he tired, his eyes are a little pink, he fusses, and he yawns, but if I wait an extra 15 minutes and put him down at 9:00...he usually sleeps 1.5-2 hours!  So try adding 15 minutes of "A" time to your first "A" time of the day for 3-5 days, see if that helps, and if not, then maybe add another 15 minutes if you think your DD needs it.  Is she exactly 6 months old?  I think that the link I posted says if she's 6.5 months or so, you should be working towards 2.75-3 hours of "A" time (depending on the baby of course, maybe she's not quite ready for that yet, but ykwim?)

If she does end up taking a shorter nap in the am, 45 minutes or so, then your next "A" time will be much shorter, or she will get OT.  Looks to me that this may be what is happening, since it looks like she takes a short nap mid-day.  So if she does take a short nap in the am, maybe try shortening her next "A" time a little bit, and maybe she'll nap longer mid-day.

What do you think about moving her bed time up a little bit as well?  Maybe to 7:30 or so?  This may help with the early morning wakeups.  You may want to try gradually moving up the bed time in 15 minute increments, and see if that helps.

One last question: when your DD does wake at night, is it a mantra cry, or an I Need You Now cry?  I know that for myself, I was in the habit of jumping up at every cry in the night, and feeding our lo.  What I've had to do, is take a step back when he cries, see what kind of cry it is, and if it's just mantra, I let him go on until it becomes a real cry (this is tough to be so observant at 4:00am in the morning!)  I ended up turning our baby monitor's sound down a bit, because then I could actually tell what kind of cries they were (when the monitor was on loud, everything seemed like an emergency!)  This was really hard for me to do, since I thought he'd never put himself back to sleep, and we'd get into an OT cycle.  I was absolutely AMAZED when I woke up a few hours later, and he was sleeping!

P.S.  One last question- do you think your paci may be a prop for your DD?  Does she wake up and need it put back in by you?

Really hope this helps, like I said, I'm not an expert, but these things really helped for us!

Let me know how you do,

Andrea

[sherry lynn]

I just wanted to add one thing. If your LO is an early 6 months than a really do think that 2.5 hours might be too much in the morning. I participate in the birthday group and there is only 1 LO there who is doing that much A time first thing in the morning. Honestly, I would try cutting back on the first A time before I try extending it. Then if it doesn't work than move from there. It would be better for your LO to start taking 45 min naps than the 30 she's getting now. Just a thought from somebody who is stuck in the OT cycle, again.

[Andrea T]

I just forgot to post this in my last post as well Renee'smommy    I'm sure you've probably read this on this site already, but in case you haven't, they say that 30 minute naps=OT, and 45 minutes naps=Under tired.  It looks to me that your first nap of the day is 45 minutes long, so your lo may not be quite tired enough to settle into a longer sleep.  If she takes a 45 minute nap, it's not restful enough for her to get through the longer "A" times for the rest of her day, and thus she ends up getting OT by the next nap, and takes a 30 minute nap it looks like to me.  So I'd work on perfecting the 1st nap of the day - getting it to be as long as you can, and then the rest of your day will be much better also, iykwim

P.S.  How are you making out?

Hope you're doing much better,

Andrea

[Renee's mommy]

Sorry to reply so late....
I had my inlaws since thrusday and they just left sunday....
Hard to work in my schedule during these days... Renee will be 7 months this week, that was what I did not clear out.
But my findings during this weekend are kind of intriguing...
I worked in my 1st nap, since all my in laws (15 people) were staying in a hotel, so in the mornings I could have some peace and quiet at home. And it payed off. She was sleeping during 1 1/2 hour to 2 hours nap. After that, naps were not regular at all, she slept during trips (we took them to know some towns around our city). Obviously, her go to bed routine was all messed up, eventhough we were at home at 8 pm as always, she was so OT and enthusiastic about all the people at home, she wouldn't let us put her to sleep until 10. She was really really tired by then. Also since it is so hard for me to feed her (solids or BF), I didn't gave her any solids, and stayed only BF, also if she didn't BF ok in the car (during our trips), I pumped my milk in the car, and continued feeding her while we were seated in a restaurant or during our visits.
So it was 3 days of 1 long nap, 2 short naps (different times of the afternoon), and very late going to bed....
The only positive during these days was that I knew she was eating a good amount of milk, since she nursed for 5 or 7 minutes and then drank 3 more oz of milk.
You must be thinking... poor baby poor woman that OT baby must have been really really fussy at night... at least that was what I thought (I am going to pay for this at night) weeell nooooo.. Only one NW around 5 o'clock in the morning (half an hour earlier or later), BF and then back to sleep until 8:30 am, during all 3 days....
I went back to my normal routine on monday (with the long nap in the morning), and guess what? yesterday night to this morning 6 NW!!! like almost every hour... And she refused to go to sleep without BF.
So... forgive me evil mind... but I am thinking my baby is resting way too much during day... or why is it that the day she was more tired she slept much better? Obviously feeding her with the bottle also helped since she was eating the full meal...
I don't know... maybe you can see further ... what conclusions can you make out of this? any more ideas? please..

[Renee's mommy]

I feel clueless... I had a very awful night... 7 NW ! clearly I am not doing the right thing...

[Andrea T]

Hi Renees mommy~

Sorry it took me a bit to write back to you, our lo is sick, so it's been a busy few days trying to get him in to see the doctor and stuff.

Can you post your new routine so we can take a look?  It's hard to say right now what might be going on, but I'm sure maybe your routine just needs a tweak or something:)  Don't worry, things will get better, you're doing a great job, and you're a good mommy.  Sometimes just the smallest change to your routine can make all the difference!

Hope to hear from you soon,

Andrea

[Renee's mommy]

Thanks Andrea...
I was having a very bad morning since I feel extremely tired... Then I run to my computer to see if I had any feedback and well... lets say I felt alone... that was why I posted... I am trying to put myself back together
I tried to recover my routine on monday and tuesday, but things were worst than the weekend..(I am actually considering putting her to bed at 10 o'clock during the night) so I can repeat the weekend NW.
Yesteday my day went kind like this.
7:30 Wake up and BF
Activity time...
wouldn't want to take nap until
10:15 NAP
11:45 Wake up and BF
SOLIDS
Activity time...
1:30 NAP (she was very sleepy and I allowed it since she had such an extended A time in the morning)
3:15 Wake up and BF
Activity time (went to the office w/me)
5:30 Back at home
5:30 NAP
6:00 Wake up time...
6:30 BF
Activity time
8:00 took bath...
8:30 sleeping...
She woked up at 11, and started every one hour, if I put the paci, it seems as she get waken up more, since she doesn't open the mouth. If I get to put it in she is wide awake and wants to nurse. If I ignore her while she starts fussing, she just start calling us (out loud), not crying but clearly calling, and wide awake.
However I did not try standing up and rocking her to sleep again, I just felt to tired.
Thanks anyway Andrea... just feels all messed up

[sherry lynn]

I think maybe that's too long from the catnap to bed time?

[Renee's mommy]

you would recommend going earlier to bed, like if she wakes up at 6 from the last nap, bath at 7 bed to 7:30?

Wouldn't be that she will be UT?

[mumofalice]

I'm only going by what my LO does . . . but she's 8 months tomorrow and when she wakes from her catnap I BF her, she has a bath, a bit of massage followed by a top up BF and some story time before I put her down - it's usually a maximum of 1.5hrs between end of catnap and bedtime - and I think when my LO was six months it was probably a max of 1 hour as I couldn't fit in a massage in those days!!