Sherry, first HUGS to you. It's so hard to figure this all out.
With the EW, I usually just go in and put my hand on her and tell her "sleepy time" if she gets agitated. I do this usually after hearing her for about 15-30 mins because I always pray that she'll go back to sleep on her own. It hasn't happened lately! Out of the past week, it's worked 5 out of 7 times. It's even worked for a nap extension yesterday morning. I never feed her when she wakes early. I just don't want to start that again. I know she's not that hungry because the first feed is usually really slow and I have to coax her to eat a decent feed. A night feed at 5am will just mess that up first day feed even more. I think it's just that she's in an early waking phase. If Lyle's in an EW phase too, you may just have to live with it until he gets over it if he just won't go back to sleep in the morning. I looked at the EW FAQ board and I've done every single thing in there and she still wakes at 5:45am. I know she's not OT because she's had good long naps and the catnap in the day. I've even put her to bed as late as 7:45pm and still the 5:45am wake-up. So, I figure might as well let her have more sleep by having an early bedtime.
My rule about the morning nap is that it's minimum of 2hrs from when I first hear her wake. Even if I tried for 30 mins and she didn't go back to sleep, I still start the clock from when she first woke, not from when I take her out of the room and started her day. She's often quite tired by 2hrs (but not frantically overtired), but I do this because I hope it prevents her from using the morning nap as an extension of night sleep and she will eventually finish her night sleep on her own. This probably won't work for Lyle since he's not accustomed to 2hrs A time in the morning yet, but go with whatever A time has worked for you before, even if it's not the "average" A time for his age.
If she won't go back to sleep, the day gets all messed up. It won't be EAS. More like AEASAE. It drives me crazy because at some point eating and sleep time collide and I have to feed sooner than 4hrs or else her solids get moved up really early too. So, to answer your question, if he shows signs of tiredness after a short AM nap and it's not yet eating time, I would try for another nap first. I haven't always been such a stickler on feed times. I try to keep it within 30mins one way or another of 4hrs, but to me if he can sleep past his feed time he's not that hungry yet anyway. He needs the sleep right now to get out of the OT cycle.
About the pit of anxiety, I know it's hard when you feel like you just can't control things to improve the situation. I have learned the hard lesson of just trying to let go. She used to cry so much when I'd try to extend naps because I was so anxious about it. Sophie often responds better to DH because he's much less anxious than me and she senses it. A few times, her best nap days where when I was out and he put her down. It's so funny because I think I'm the "expert" on A times and yet when she's with him, she has longer A times and longer naps with no problems.
Sophie will sometimes cry and fuss too if I take her into her room. What is Lyle usually doing before this happens? If we've been playing with Sophie right before nap time or if she's not yet tired enough (despite giving the sleepy signals) she often doesn't want to be put down. Have you tried doing really relaxing and low-key leading up to going into his room? Sometimes I lie down with her on our bed and just rub her tummy or calm her.
