How do you DEAL with just won't eat supper

[deb]

Since it's the end of the day, I'd approach it differently than I would other things in the day. It's the onset of OT, I'd imagine, and OT kinda needs its own set of guidelines IMO.

[anna*]

Yeh that's a part of it for sure. I don't know what I should be doing, only that anything I try doesn't work.

[koe2moe]

Hugs, Anna.  I read "kids, parents, power struggles" recently and it seems to help a lot with this kind of situation.  It suggests to name his emotions or how you think he's feeling...  For instance, this evening we were in the car on the way home just after lots of snacks and it's 6:40, our normal bt is around 9 these days.  DS started getting very whiny and complained and cried that he had pain but couldn't tell me where it was.  I thought it was the diaper being too tight, I loosened it.  He kept whining and like this annoying cries.  I was almost to a point of ignoring him because he's not helping me to help him.  I suddenly remember the book and just asked him if he's tired, because he just yawned and then I realized he might actually be hungry, I asked if he was hungry and if he wanted a sandwich which i had prepared for lunch.  He immediately went quiet, nodded, and took the sandwich and was happily eating. 

The book says that no child is out to get us, when they behave in this way to disagree with us or not listening to us, it's fueled by a reason.  If we help find the reason by talking or by naming it, it would lower the intensity and can help finding a solution,  sometimes it's just about being understood.

I am not sure what emotions or reasons Stan might have at the time, can it be just tired?  Too tired to chew on proper food or he just wanted something cold and easy to eat?  Do you think you know why he got like that this evening?

[anna*]

When I try to name his feelings, or talk to him at all he just covers his face and makes this really annoying high pitched squeal to block me out. Or yells at me to 'Don't talk mummy'. or "don't say that'. (even if I'm just saying something like 'Wow, I can see you feel so cross with mum about [whatever]). This is a new behaviour and I find it SO difficult to deal with and we get it all. the. time (not only when tired). Does not WANT to be spoken too, or reasoned with, even before he is at the stage of being upset - it's like he WANTS me to get angry. If he does something trying to get a reaction out of me - like at dinner throwing his spoon - and I ignore it, he will say 'Look mum, I threw my spoon.' So I shrug and say, 'yep, we can pick it up later', then he does the cover-his-face-squeal-tell-me-not-to-say-that. He WANTS me to get angry.

[Shiv52]

So he could be being totally obnoxious, and I'm loathe to tackle it because I KNOW it is going to mean two hours of screaming, kicking hell and I don't have the darn energy for it.

DO you think he has cottoned on to that?   I know M has cottoned onto the fact that I let things go when we are visiting people or out and about and she is totally upping the ante with me at the minute.  Like that thing with the sweets in my gran has been going on for weeks and she has been taking one even though i've been saying no and I haven't been following through as i am there to spend some time with gran and know ultimately if I tackle it I'll have to leave.   Same with asking for a treat in tesco.  We'd a huge drama in there the other week when I refused to buy her smarties or something but I knew I had to tackle it as it was something i never did but DH did and I jsut wasn't having that every flipping time we go to a shop.


Would saying to him as the nonsense starts stop it?  So when you see him losing it remind him that you do not want everyone getting upset and if he continues you will not be reading him stories before bed so to just stop the arguing as you aren't changing your mind.  Just try and cut it short?  Wasn't there something with him getting ready for bed before where he was upset about losing stories?   Would that work as an incentive to keep it together?

Its exhausting all the arguing isn't it?  M wanted to take about 50 books in the car the other day going to get DH from work and I said no and of course she said yes.  On it went and I said 'how about this, take 1 or 0, thats it' and she said 'no i'm taking 5'.  Me:  1 or 0 her: 5 and I said 'right we are just going, go to the door' and she said 'well how about this, I am NOT going at all' and sat down in the middle of her books.  Wee brute!  

{{{hugs}}}}  You must be wrecked too with being pregnant.  I remember just needing M to get to bed at that stage so I could relax.  

[koe2moe]

What at challenge!  I wonder if it might be to do with the baby?  When he says, no talking mommy (actually i get that all the time also), can you try saying "would you like a break or some space?  I will be here until you want to talk"  when he does something to get you to react, ask him, "do you want mommy to get mad (or to cry)?" 

[Shiv52]

When I try to name his feelings, or talk to him at all he just covers his face and makes this really annoying high pitched squeal to block me out. Or yells at me to 'Don't talk mummy'. or "don't say that'. (even if I'm just saying something like 'Wow, I can see you feel so cross with mum about [whatever]).

M does this and its so frustrating.  There I am trying to validate her feelings and she gets even more annoyed!  I think its because they know its not going to change anything and they don't want us saying that as they know its followed by 'but you still can't have/do x'. 

[deb]

I wasn't allowed to name J's feelings either. I settled on "not happy." It was accurate without upsetting her by my being presumptuous in her eyes.

Usually once the tantrum monster was out the door here, it had to burn itself out. If we couldn't forestall it, that was it, game over. And then we picked up the pieces afterward or the next day and moved on.

I also started one on more than one occasion when I was PMSing and I could tell J was going to throw a fit if (when ) I gave her an answer she wouldn't like, so when she asked the question once more or gave me the "I'm not going to do that/eat that" one more time, I actually got up, told her, "OK, then, but I'm not sticking around to listen to you scream at me because I don't like it," and left the room. I actually have locked myself in MY room on more than one occasion. (And it was worse when I was PG. )

But we spent a lot of time on tenterhooks, Josie and I, when she was 3YO..... 

[koe2moe]

Uh oh i guess I should be prepared for the 3YO phase? 

[lilac83]

If he's not liking the validation, what about just describing what you see? For example, I see that I said no to X and it looks like X is very important to you right now." If he still covers his face or tells you to be quiet then tell him you are there for him if he needs you and sit nearby so he can see you. I can't do something nearby though, or DD feels like I"m ignoring her and she just gets angrier. I have to just sit and watch her from the corner of my eye. Sometimes this isn't even about you saying no, it's a built up frustration that needs to be released. When DD gets like that, normally she wants a hug and I don't have to say anything, I just hold her and let her cry and cry. When she's done, she's like a whole new kid. If she didn't want a hug, I would sit nearby until she showed signs of being ready for a hug. Maybe Stan would never want a hug though, maybe being able to vent his frustration with you nearby would be enough?

[nona]

have no idea if he would go for this but for dinner & dessert issues ( i realize this is not the big issue)

can you just stop offering dessert all together? Starting on X, you no longer serve dessert after dinner???


((Hugs))

[anna*]

Yesterday's veggie curry which was the bone of contention made a reappearance for lunch today. Not without conflict but he ate it and agreed he liked it. We baked this morning (was pouring with rain all morning), banana bread. Had a small slice mid afternoon. At supper time, he asked about having more and I took the opportunity for a serious talk about supper time - that he was not going to have more now because then he wouldn't have room for supper. And that if there was ANY fuss about supper, he would go straight upstairs and get himself ready for bed. Stan agreed and even added 'Perhaps we can have a nice bedtime today too.'  

Anyway, supper was tactically chosen for the path of least resistance (did still need a reminder about what the consequences were going to be for nonsense, but nothing serious) but gave us the chance to mention how much nicer it was to all eat together in a happy atmosphere, and bedtime was a positive joy compared to yesterday, seriously.

3.5 is just difficult. MOST days it is an absolute delight, but when it goes wrong I am at a complete loss. And the delight on the most days makes the bad days just all the more shocking and bewildering.

[MasynSpencerElliotte]

And that if there was ANY fuss about supper, he would go straight upstairs and get himself ready for bed. Stan agreed and even added 'Perhaps we can have a nice bedtime today too.'

lol, what a kid! Even though you chose a supper that you knew would go over well, I think it was a great thing to have the chat about it beforehand. 

[anna*]

And that if there was ANY fuss about supper, he would go straight upstairs and get himself ready for bed. Stan agreed and even added 'Perhaps we can have a nice bedtime today too.'

lol, what a kid! 

I tell ya, it's a good thing he's so cute.

[koe2moe]

And that if there was ANY fuss about supper, he would go straight upstairs and get himself ready for bed. Stan agreed and even added 'Perhaps we can have a nice bedtime today too.'

lol, what a kid! 

I tell ya, it's a good thing he's so cute.

He is very cute!!  Hehe