Selective eater +a very persistent toddler.How do you deal with it?

[skatty]

Katt, at what age would you say L stopped refusing food ? Like you said we do BLW with them and then they become selective eaters! How odd is that??

She didn't exactly refuse it, it was more like stuff she used to eat, mainly green veg (brocolli, cabbage, spinach, onions, mushrooms), she decided she didn't like anymore  I guess it was around 2 years, maybe younger and I think she started to eat everything again around 3½-4. A lot of it with her was that she just wasn't hungry ( we still have huge problems with her being too busy to eat  ). Wierdly throughout this I couldn't actually call her a fussy eater, she has never liked really plain stuff so the more garlic and herbs I add the more likely she will be interested in eating it. For a long time I only served her things I knew she liked as long as they were healthy and then on her own accord she started wanting to try loads of stuff again, in fact one day she came back from nursery and asked why I never make brocolli anymore because it is her favourite  I guess I found having a spirited kid meant I really had many battles to pick and by the end of the day I just couldn't be bothered with one 

[Grants]

Thanks for posting Cathie! I know exactly what you mean about the control thing. M is very much like that too. What you post is exactly what I normally do TBH. I always let him choose his food, as long as it’s healthy. So as to avoid any battles we only have healthy foods on offer but sometimes it doesn’t work that well as you saw on my post where he wanted to eat cereal for lunch *sign*  .To avoid the cereal episode (which only happened because I chose to decide what he was going to eat for lunch). I normally pick him up and open the fridge at lunch time and leave a few of ’the lunch options’ on view and he picks them. But it is never like a proper cooked meal iykwim?! I have to careful to hide the olives jar otherwise he wants to eat the whole jar. Lol  We only started clashing now that I have decided he is a bit’ too old’ for refusing his cooked meals when offered.

I have been thinking quite hard about this situation and did a reflective self-evaluation. So I want to share this with you, ladies, to see what you think.

We decided to go for Baby Led Weaning (BLW) with M from the word go as I wanted him to be independent about his food and know where and when to stop eating instead of having me making decisions about his size portions and forcing him to eat more than he would like /or need to. We got more than we bargained for as he is spirited and persistent but thinking about it we actually achieved what we wanted as he will stop eating when he had enough and he knows exactly what he wants/feel like eating. Now, I want him to change and stop doing what I allowed him to do in the first place?!?  It’s like giving him a Lovie and deciding at 2YO that he is a bit ‘too old’ for a lovie and wanting him to stop using it?! Do you get where I’m coming from?

The main reason I don’t like him refusing food is the fact that  *I* think it is rude, especially when he goes to the grandparents’ house and keeps on demanding different kinds of food. But he is a bit too young to grasp the concept of being rude for refusing food. I was thinking that perhaps when he is bit older (3 or 4YO) I will be able to explain the rude/hurting granny’s feelings for not wanting to eat the food etc…What do the ladies who have older kids think? Am I on the right lines here? Or Am I just trying to convince myself ? We don’t have loads of family meals together anyway as DH gets home just 1 hour before M’s BT so we both spend that time with him and we eat after M goes to bed. It is only on the odd occasion when we go to the grandparents or on weekends etc…So perhaps I should not make a big deal about it for now?!?  What do you think?

[Shiv52]

Hun I think that is fine.   It is all about what we are comfortable with.  So long as he eats a varied, healthy diet then I think you can leave things as they are.   

We decided to go for Baby Led Weaning (BLW) with M from the word go as I wanted him to be independent about his food and know where and when to stop eating instead of having me making decisions about his size portions and forcing him to eat more than he would like /or need to.

Just wanted to point out though that this is exactly how I have approached things in terms of portion size and stopping eating when she is full even though dinner is the same as us.  M is very spirited though and I know I would not have her eating as good a variety of foods if I left the choices up to her and I would be forever hiding preferred foods.   If you and DH don't eat with him then I think its less of an issue KWIM?

I'd say leave it until you find it is an issue.  M still refuses to eat whatever MIL cook.  Last week she told her the dinner she made was 'stinky' so how about that for being rude?!! 

{{{hugs}}} I think  its great you can acknowledge you were wanting to change things for you and if M is eating well and eating lots of foods then maybe it is a case of 'if its not broke then don't fix it'. 

[skatty]

Everything gets easier as they get older! Yes he will definitely learn about what is bad manners and understand it as he gets older  For now if he eats on his own then I don't think it's a big deal, it is up to you. BTW Leorah did not eat anything hot for about 2 years, she only started eating hot food again since she was 4! I had to cool her dinner down before she'd eat it 

[Grants]

Last week she told her the dinner she made was 'stinky' so how about that for being rude?!!

 Lol! How funny is that!!! These spirited!!

Everything gets easier as they get older! Yes he will definitely learn about what is bad manners and understand it as he gets older

Good to know that!

M is very spirited though and I know I would not have her eating as good a variety of foods if I left the choices up to her and I would be forever hiding preferred foods.

Yes. It is def much better the scenario you have Shiv! I just didn't see this one coming as I have always been pretty relaxed with his eating as long as he eats healthily. I just need to decide if I will have the battle now or later, when he is older. Hopefully he will change as he gets older and I won't have any battles! 
I'm still pondering about it all. I will see how it goes!  Thanks for all your thoughts  

[skatty]

I just need to decide if I will have the battle now or later, when he is older. Hopefully he will change as he gets older and I won't have any battles!

This is exactly what I thought and luckily it turned out well for us! It isn't perfect just tonight she wanted some yoghurt we bought after preschool while shopping but I said "Leorah you know that is something you eat after dinner", she wasn't happy but accepted it and asked if she could have dinner ASAP, what was funny is it was her old favourite - tuna pasta and she ate a huge bowl! She lives on fresh air these days so maybe I should start to make that every night again 

[speechie]

Quote from: Grants on Yesterday at 03:29:32 PM
I just need to decide if I will have the battle now or later, when he is older. Hopefully he will change as he gets older and I won't have any battles!

This is exactly what I thought and luckily it turned out well for us!

yes, this is what I am inclined to think. Remain relaxed about it, offer and have available choices you are comfortable with at his finger tips so HE can feel control over it. When Nick's been having a picky day, I tend to put out a snack tray on a low table with cut up veggies, olives, cherry tomato, crackers. Just a little something, and I don't say a word. I just leave it up to him if he feels like pecking on something.

I had to cool her dinner down before she'd eat it

Nick STILL doesn't like food any warmer than tepid- but maybe because he's got one tooth that appears damaged. I usually serve food up on his plate first, stick it in the fridge for a chill while I serve up mine and DH's! LOL funny that L had that sensitivity too!

But he is a bit too young to grasp the concept of being rude for refusing food. I was thinking that perhaps when he is bit older (3 or 4YO) I will be able to explain the rude/hurting granny’s feelings for not wanting to eat the food etc

IMO, I think he is a bit young, and perhaps there are some food texture/taste sensitivities that he is unable to verbally express, so I'd not worry too much about hurt feelings yet. I'm usually proactive and tell grandparents some of Nick's favorites and I bring food with me too, as the ILs are TERRIBLE about having age appropriate foods. ... My mom on the other hand will specifically buy foods of Nick's liking/choices - for ex- she made a seafood feast for him last weekend- lobster, scallops, steamers, haddock all homecooked.
So, if you have the uberdoting grandparents that LOVE to make his favorite foods clue them in. As your LO gets older keep talking about manners at the table. We have a 'no thank you' bite rule. SO even if he refuses something, I'll remind him to take a no thank you bite out of courtesy for the cook. My DH has been a really good example for gratitude at the table, so whoever cooks always gets comments about how lovely the dinner looks, and thank you for making me some food. Now Nick is starting to just spontaneously say, "Thank you for the dinner- it was really tasty!".   Because that is what he hears Daddy saying over and over.
just some food for thought lol

[Grants]

M won't eat warm food either not even lukewarm. This must be a spirited thing! They have so many idiosyncrasies that its hard to keep up with them sometimes. M is very fussy with his food in particular. He must peel the banana himself. He only eats tangerine if I don’t break it in half. If I do he won’t touch it!! This list goes on…..

I tend to put out a snack tray on a low table with cut up veggies, olives, cherry tomato, crackers. Just a little something, and I don't say a word. I just leave it up to him if he feels like pecking on something.

.
Great idea Cathie! I will def do that as M has 'picky days' everyday! lol I laughed at ‘I don’t say a word ‘comment. We also tend to do the same when we offer him foods at the table. We have to pretend we are not even paying attention to the food to at least get him to try it! lol

[Grants]

I had to find this thread just to say a big thank you! We have finally tackled the food issue. Life is so much easier and simpler after this! No drama at meal times!! Yay!!!We should have taken control ages ago!  Shiv you were so right!

[Shiv52]

Shiv you were so right!

LOL! 

Well done hun.  Must be so nice to have dramales meal times!!!!!

[Mom to M&M]

I wish I could say the same for us! What finally worked for you?

[Grants]

Karen,

For us the main problem was giving him too many choices and there was too much negotiation. We have changed our approach about everything. M is super spirited and has been ruling the house, his behaviour was getting worse.We were being too soft, so the new approach worked for everything.  Meals, dressing up, BT! It is amazing what a few changes and consistency can do.

Have a look on this thread http://babywhispererforums.com/index.php?topic=220068.0

To focus more on the food, we stopped allowing M choosing what he wanted to eat. Before he would insist on eating only what he felt like and would want to look in the fridge etc.. We also limited snacks. If it was up to him he would snack all day long and would not eat the main meals. We try to follow the nursery times for meals on days he is at home.  It took us ages, about 4 weeks to get him to eat better. He is still not 100% with the food TBH and I still have to offer foods he likes with foods he doesn’t like, to break the ice. But overall he is much better. Last night he ate spaghetti bolognese for the first time ever!!!! I was shocked!  I put the spaghetti and sauce in separate dishes but he ate the sauce!  Fingers crossed he will carry on trying new things!   

[Shiv52]

It took us ages, about 4 weeks to get him to eat better.

TBH that is amazing progress.  4 weeks is actually a short space of time for such progress!  YAY on eating the spag bol!!!!!! 

[koe2moe]

wow!!!!  another wow!  well done you!!  there isnt anything you cant tackle!!

[Mom to M&M]

WTG Grants!!!! I'll read your other thread when I get a chance as well. Still Mr. Picky Pants here. And still won't consider using cutlery either. Sigh.