13 month old - pulling her hair - can't sleep independently

[mellismum]

Hi there

I really hope you can help me!  My DD is nearly 13 months old and has never really slept independently.  I did PU/PD when she was 4.5 months old and although it worked, I never got to the point where I could leave the room with her still awake.  I got in the habit of holding her longer and longer until she was going to sleep on me in the armchair in her room and then I’d put her down in her cot.  She’d normally stir and then roll over and go to sleep.   Before she goes to sleep on me she fidgets like crazy for 5 minutes trying to get comfortable and sometimes cries.

I tried to do PD a couple of weeks ago and only lasted for 30 minutes.  She did stop crying and calm down after a while but wasn’t actually going to sleep.  She kept pulling hard on her hair and even pulled quite a few bits out so I had to stop and pick her up.  By that point she was exhausted and fell asleep in my arms.  I don’t know what to do about the hair pulling, it’s really concerning me.  She sometimes does it when she’s going to sleep in her pram too.  I obviously can’t do PD with her pulling her hair out so I feel that I’ve just run out of options and don’t know what to do next.  I’ve tried giving her a soft toy to distract her but she just throws it on the floor.
 
Her average day looks like this:
06.30 Awake then Goat’s milk
7.30 Breakfast
9.00 Nap (40-70 minutes)
12.00 Lunch
14.00 Nap (30-60 minutes)   
16.00 Goat’s milk
17.30 Dinner
18.30 Goat’s milk then bath
19.30 Bed

Until about a week ago she was waking at 5/5.30 every day and going to bed at 18.30/18.45 so I’ve moved her bedtime back a bit and introduced extra milk at 16.00 which seems to have worked and she now wakes up at 6.30 every day.  She was breastfed until about 10 days ago and seems to be happy on Goat’s milk and solids.  I tried cow’s milk but she wouldn’t take very much and she kept being sick and had runny nappies so I moved her onto goat’s milk instead. 

I’m not sure what other information you need or even if I’ve posted this in the right place but hope you can help me.

Many thanks.

[anna*]

If she's pulling her hair when she's falling asleep in the pram, I'd say it's not a reaction to sleep training. I can see why it would be upsetting BUT the sleep training should really only take a few days, and then we'd expect her to be going to sleep peacefully. When she does it in the pram is she doing it while she's crying? Just as another thought could she be trying to pull at her ears and 'missing'? Worth getting her checked for possible ear infection?

[mellismum]

Thanks for your reply Anna.

It's not so much that I think the hair pulling is a reaction to the sleep training.  More that I think to do any kind of sleep training you need to be 100% sure that you're doing the right thing to stick with it.  And I'm not 100% sure that I should be ignoring the hair pulling to achieve the sleep training.  When she's in the pram pulling her hair, she is usually crying.  What normally happens is that she'll be sat up happily then when she needs to nap I put the pram down so she is more horizontal and she'll immediately complain, usually cry for 5 minutes, pull her hair and fall asleep.

Pretty sure that it's not an ear infection, she's been doing it for a while now and doesn't show any other symptoms.  I believe it's a reaction to being stressed/tired/frustrated about going to sleep and it's something that she can control.

[anna*]

I do understand. I'm honestly not sure what to tell you though. If pulling her hair is something she does when she is tired and crying, I'm not sure how you will be able to get to any kind of independent sleep. There really isn't a no-cry sleep solution where toddlers are concerned - as even Elizabeth Pantley author of the No Cry Sleep Solution concedes.

You could try a gradual withdrawal process, but be prepared for it to take a long time and of course I can't guarantee that it will be no cry. So you would rock her until she's drowsy and then put her in her cot, and stay with her until she's asleep... and gradually work towards putting her down earlier. BUT of course there is the likelihood that she'll wake up when you put her down, and start to cry, at which point you are hostage to hair pulling again.

Do you feel like she's pulling her hair to soothe herself? I read that babies who like the feeling of hair will often take to a silky lovey - you know like the satin ribbon around the edge of a blankie - because it feels soft and silky like hair?

[mellismum]

Thanks Anna.

Yes, I didn't really think there would be an easy solution to this one.  I'm really kicking myself for not getting this sorted months ago.  I read both the BW books several times when DD was tiny and knew what I should and shouldn't be doing and still ended up here at 13 months   So annoying.

I think she's spirited, she is always very busy and fights sleep, like there's just too much else to be doing to go to sleep. 

The silky lovey is a good idea, will definitely give that a try.  I'm not sure exactly why she does it.  I think it's to soothe herself and DH thinks it's frustration. 

She usually cries out a couple of times in the night and then goes back to sleep so she is clearly capable of re-settling herself.  She responded well to PU/PD before and always calms in seconds when I pick her up.  I can't help thinking that this would work now but I know Tracy said not to PU at this age.  Is there any point in my trying anyway?

[anna*]

I guess it's a question of degree. So if you feel like she's actually really hurting herself by doing this, then yes you need to find a different way. Like mums with those babies who vomit as soon as they get upset. My own daughter has seizures when she cries really hard (although we did go ahead with sleep training and she actually never had one).

If you feel like it's more of a thing where yes she might pull out of a few strands of hair but she's not actually going to injure herself (this is my instinct based on what you've said but of course I don't know her), then personally I would carry on, in the knowledge that actually once sleep training is complete there will be a lot LESS crying.

But to answer your question, if you feel like she might respond to PUPD, try it by all means. What we tend to find is that, with older babies, they feel secure and happy when they are picked up and then immediately furious when they are put down again, so the PU actually ends up counterproductive. If yourlittle one can stay calm when she's put down, it could work beautifully for her.

[mellismum]

Thanks for your response.

I haven't been able to do anything more as she's had a cough/cold for the last week and been feeling rather poorly.

The situation is still the same though except that she's now pinching me to help her fall asleep too now  .  She did this in the past while feeding but hasn't done it for a while.  I really need to get her off me and into her cot!

I'm going to syke myself up for a couple of days and then I'm going to do PD with her.   I don't think the PU bit will work, I think she'll be furious when she's put down, as you said.  I'm not sure how long I'll be able to watch her pulling her hair though, I think I'll end up intervening to stop her but I don't know what else to do.

Anyway, hopefully I'll be back next week to say that it worked and that it wasn't as bad as expected.

MM

[anna*]

Ouch for the pinching! Really hope you can get her sleeping independently soon, you both deserve it!
Of course I haven't seen the hair pulling so it is easy for me to say 'be strong', but I hope it is not as bad as you think. Try to think ahead to the toddler years, you are not going to be able to get through the toddler years if you're trying to prevent her crying (she wants a cookie right before lunch)... it just doesn't work. I hope the hair pulling is not too severe so that you can choose to ignore it a little bit. Did you think any more about the idea of a silky lovey?

[mellismum]

Have tried the silky lovey (a muslin with ribbon sewn onto it) but she doesn't seem interested in it, just throws it out of the cot.  Will keep trying.
I'm not trying to stop her crying, I get that the crying comes with it and I just need to get on with it.  I'm planning to start tonight but I couldn't get her to nap this afternoon so she's only had 40 minutes at 10.30.  Is it a bad idea to do it tonight as she's OT or should I give her an early bedtime and just do it?

Thanks.

[anna*]

I wouldn't start with bedtime. Start tomorrow morning and do it for her naps and at bedtime. There's less crying and faster progress if you do it that way than if you do bedtimes only.

[mellismum]

Thanks, that makes sense.  Will start tomorrow morning.

[mellismum]

Just thought of another question.  I don't usually work but I'm doing some temp work next week so DD will be going to family during the day.  How do I handle her naps when she's with family?  I'm finding putting her to bed seriously stressful and I can't bear the thought of waiting until the following week to start sleep training.

[anna*]

You will make great progress this week, hopefully by next week theys hould be able to just put her down like you do. If not maybe they can APOP naps in the buggy or something?

[mellismum]

Thanks Anna, I guess as long as they don't hold her to sleep it should be okay.

Well it worked this morning!!    It took around 100 PDs and just over an hour but she eventually went to sleep on her own.  She didn't actually cry very much, she seemed to mostly think it was a game being repeatedly laid down.  Then she played with her rabbit for a bit and then just as I was considering giving up she rolled over and went to sleep.  I'm not sure how long she'll stay down for or quite when I should be putting her down for her afternoon nap (she woke at 5.40 this morning so her routine is out anyway today) but if she doesn't sleep straight away anyway I guess it won't matter.

Here's hoping it gets a bit easier this afternoon!

MM

[mellismum]

The afternoon nap was a lot harder but she went eventually.  I laid her down 65 times and it took 1 hr 15 minutes and my god, did she scream!  I ended up picking her up twice as she seemed inconsolable but she got really cross again when I put her down again so I didn't pick her up again. 

 

Her bedtime was sooooooo much better. 35 minutes and only 13 PDs.  If I'd known that I would see this much progress in one day, I'd have done this months ago!!


Here's hoping that she stays asleep all night and that tomorrow keeps getting better.


Thanks so much for your help Anna


MM