How to stop frequent night visits from 3.5 year old?

[FroggyMom]

Hurrah, that sounds really positive! Well done you!

Well, thank you but I'm having mixed feelings this morning!  Last night was our first night back in our own rooms after sleeping on DS's floor for a week.  I am very proud of his effort, but I still woke up SOOOO exhausted again and wondering if I'm doing the right thing.   

Our bedtime routine went even more smoothly than nap time yesterday!  I was pleasantly surprised.  DS is very excited about his new clock, and he agreed to stay in his room until it turned yellow in the morning.  After our routine, we said our goodnights, and he was not whiny at all like he had been being.  He let me tell him goodnight and shut the door.  He went straight to sleep about 8:15 pm and did not come out until around 11 pm to potty.  He went straight back to bed.  I'm really not sure how many times he woke up after that because DH took care of it all night (even though I lay there awake each time he got out of bed).  Instead of coming into our room though, he would open his door, get back in his bed and then yell for us until we came.  He was trying so hard to obey the rule of "don't get out of your bed until the clock turns yellow."  Bless his heart!  So, we still had lots of wake-ups...he just called for us to go there instead of him running into our room.  Ugh!  He must be scared of something.  He tried to honor the rules but was just scared too. 

I'm at such a loss of what to do now.  Do I keep trying with this again tonight?  Do I make him a place in my room (I had hoped to avoid this and keep him in his bed, but I don't know)?  Do I go back to his room?  (tired of sleeping on floor and without DH though).  Ugh...what do you guys think?  Any suggestions? 

[Shiv52]

Do you think hes genuinely scared or do you think maybe its become a bit of a habit?  Before I'd try anything else Id update the rules and say that when he wakes he needs to stay in bed and not call out and try to go back to sleep.  It maybe is just he needs to know he should try and resettle himself as he's gotten in the habit of seeking you rather than just turning over and going back to sleep.  Obviously you dont want him lying there scared but given how well he has responded to the clock and is settling better i get the impression it was more a boundary pushing issue rather than a fear?  Because with kids Ive seen who have a fear, a clock wouldnt work so well IYKWIM?

[nona]

Do you think hes genuinely scared or do you think maybe its become a bit of a habit?

IMO, it is a habit.  and whatever you do, dont't put that idea into his head! LOL

yes, keep doing the same thing for a few nights. at least he is staying in his room right?  after a few nights, consider another change. this habit has been going on for a while so don't expect it to go away overnight :?

It maybe is just he needs to know he should try and resettle himself as he's gotten in the habit of seeking you rather than just turning over and going back to sleep. 

does he have a lovey or something of yours he could use to help him resettle?

i get the impression it was more a boundary pushing issue rather than a fear?  Because with kids Ive seen who have a fear, a clock wouldnt work so well IYKWIM?

i agree!

[FroggyMom]

Do you think hes genuinely scared or do you think maybe its become a bit of a habit?  Before I'd try anything else Id update the rules and say that when he wakes he needs to stay in bed and not call out and try to go back to sleep.  It maybe is just he needs to know he should try and resettle himself as he's gotten in the habit of seeking you rather than just turning over and going back to sleep.  Obviously you dont want him lying there scared but given how well he has responded to the clock and is settling better i get the impression it was more a boundary pushing issue rather than a fear?  Because with kids Ive seen who have a fear, a clock wouldnt work so well IYKWIM?

Shiv, what you said does make sense.  It would tend to make sense it has become a habit.  However, I also know DS is highly sensitive/emotional.  He wants to do everything correct and by the rules and very much a people pleaser.  I worry that he would lie in bed even if he was genuinely scared because he didn't want to break the clock rule.  I don't know.

IMO, it is a habit.  and whatever you do, dont't put that idea into his head! LOL

Do you mean don't ask him if he is scared?  DS is very impressionable and will agree to stuff if you suggest it if that's what you mean.

yes, keep doing the same thing for a few nights. at least he is staying in his room right?  after a few nights, consider another change. this habit has been going on for a while so don't expect it to go away overnight :?

Yes, he did stay in his room for the most part the night before last.  Last night, he switched back to coming into our room.  He came in twice to potty (only think he really needs one potty trip at night though to be honest) and twice just because I believe.  When I heard him come in our room, I said, "Is your clock still blue?"  He said "yes" and turned and went and got back in bed on his own.   I did follow him in there to cover him back up and shut his door back though.  Do you think this is progress that he started back to his room himself or regression since he called from the bed the night before?  Ugh, why is this so difficult sometimes?!

does he have a lovey or something of yours he could use to help him resettle?

Well, he used to have a Cars blanket he always slept with.  However, it became a main excuse as to why he had to get out of his bed (bc he needed help to fix it, etc).  He agreed to not sleep with it.  He sleeps with 2 little stuffed toys now and seems to like those.  I did put a blanket that was DH's as a little boy at the end of his bed last night and explained that it helped daddy when he was a little boy.  He seemed proud of that, but I don't know how well it actually worked.  Sigh.  Maybe I'm just expecting too much too quickly?  It's just that he has independently STTN since I did GW sleep training at about 14 months old.  It's been about 3 weeks now since all of this started.  Do these phases usually go by quickly or last a long time?

[FroggyMom]

I also meant to add that we are not really having a problem initially falling asleep any longer.  He went straight to sleep in about 10 min after we said our goodnights and shut his door last night.  He is just not resettling himself for some reason during the middle of the night.

[nona]

yes, that is what i meant about asking him if he is scared. my DS is the exact same way. 

actually our kids seem very similar. DS is also a rule follower but during the night all bets are off. i personally would not walk him back to his room & tuck him in. that's what he wants you to do. i just think he needs minimum interaction from you guys in order to resettle himself. he can STTN - he has done it before. he just needs to be re-programmed!

granted, if you are OK with tucking him again, etc than all means do it. 

i feel like i sound like i'm  really hard core but i am really not. it took MONTHS of doing some sort of GW (sleeping in room, out side of room, walking him back to room) before something worked. GW was not working at all. we were exhausted and i also wanted to be TTC.

whatever you do, be consistent. it is really confusing to them. i think that is progress that he is falling asleep quickly now! yay! now just work in STTN!

[FroggyMom]

actually our kids seem very similar. DS is also a rule follower but during the night all bets are off. i personally would not walk him back to his room & tuck him in. that's what he wants you to do. i just think he needs minimum interaction from you guys in order to resettle himself. he can STTN - he has done it before. he just needs to be re-programmed!

Heather, our boys do seem very similar!  I unexpectedly took your advice on not walking him back to his room on Wednesday night....lol!  I'm so paranoid about him getting out of bed and roaming around the house by himself at night.  I like to be sure his door is closed so I will hear him open it if he leaves his room.  However, I must've been so tired.  When he came in and I asked if his clock was blue, he said yes and took himself back to bed.  I meant to give him a few min and go check and shut his door back, but I fell back asleep.  So, both Wednesday and Thursday night, he got up once or twice but he put himself back to bed!

Then, guess what?!  Total success happened last night FINALLY after 3 weeks I believe!  Wahoo!!!  He got up one time at 3 am to potty and slept the rest of the night until his clock turned yellow at 7 am!  I think part of the key to this was we discovered he wants to sleep with his door open instead of closed now.  That makes me a little nervous, but it seems to work better for him right now.  He told me the night before last the reason he got out of bed was to see if his nightlight in the hall was on.  I asked if his door was open, and he could see it from the bed...would he just stay in bed and sleep.  He said yes....so we tried the open door last night, and it worked!  He was so proud of himself this morning too! 

Overall, the clock has been very helpful I believe!  There is one thing bothering me about it though.  DS usually cries and runs into my room when the clock turns yellow in the morning.  Now one morning I had the clock set wrong and the music sounded when it turned yellow.  DS startles easy, and this terrified him.  He came running and screaming into my room, and I felt awful!  I assured him every night since then the noise is off, and it will quietly turn yellow.  For 2 more nights in a row, he still cried when it quietly turned yellow, and I didn't know what to do besides talk to him about it.  This was the first morning that it did not frighten him, but I think he woke up when it was already yellow.  It seems if it is blue when he wakes up and he sees it turn to yellow, it frightens him.  Anyone have any ideas about this?

[nona]

It seems if it is blue when he wakes up and he sees it turn to yellow, it frightens him.  Anyone have any ideas about this?

hmm, i'm surprised he is not excited when it turns yellow? i'm not sure why unless he is worried about loud music playing? id just ask him about it and hopefully he can articulate why...maybe you can assure him hte music is off OR you can also play with the clock when he is awake. i think it can tell stories too?

will your DS get into stuff around the house? my DS never got into anything so i didn't worry about his door being open. his door is open now and we do a leave a light on for him.

[michaeljacknnugg]

Sounds like really good progress! We also leave DS's door open - I think it helps him feel less alone. Not much, just ajar.