19 month old CO-sleeping/Rocking/Nursing to sleep - HELP

[rayan2012]

I am writing this because I am serious about fixing my toddlers sleep issues. My LO is 19 months, and I have been rocking him, nursing and cosleeping w/ him since he was born! At first it was out of desperation to get some sleep but now it is a habit and I desperately need to break it in order to teach him how to sleep on his own I just think 20months is too long to nurse and rock a child to sleep.

I tried CIO a long time ago and me and DH could not bear through it. HE was  11months I believe, he cried nonstop for 1hour and actually fell asleep for 1hour then woke up and started crying again. It was horrible I felt physically sick I had to take him out and I felt extremely guilty the next day. I don’t have a problem with people who do it however I am trying to think of a different approach before I resort to CIO.

My toddler is a spirited mixed with grumpy toddler.  He spends 5 days a week at my MIL house where she has a daycare. She feeds him lunch, then he nods off in the highchair and she places him in a playpen for his nap. He naps about 1hr 15min there. When he comes home he falls asleep nursing, or sometimes if he is UT he gestures to be rocked. If he is very tired I can slip away for max 1hr 30min. Other than that, I co-sleep with him the whole night. Every night is different, depending on if hes teething, sick, developmental issues, overtired, undertired. If he is overtired he will wake up max 4/5 times to BF. If he is UT he wakes up every hour to use me as a human pacifier.

Anyways, we sleep on a futon on the floor, and LO has never slept in a crib ever. He likes his crib, if I tell him “sleepy time” he will lie down, however after 5min he is like “mom stop the shenanigans and lets get down to business, put me to sleep”.
I am contemplating if I should get DH to put him to sleep but it wont be consistent considering DH works 1 fulltime job and 1 pt job. I really need a fresh pair of eyes, or an experienced person or expert to really lay down the steps for me so I can get LO sleeping on his own, by himself!

[nevinsmama]

I tried CIO a long time ago and me and DH could not bear through it. HE was  11months I believe, he cried nonstop for 1hour and actually fell asleep for 1hour then woke up and started crying again. It was horrible I felt physically sick I had to take him out and I felt extremely guilty the next day. I don’t have a problem with people who do it however I am trying to think of a different approach before I resort to CIO.

Hi and welcome to BW. As I am sure you know BW doesn't support any CIO "techniques" but we are more than happy to hold your hand through a gentle plan ( there WILL be a lot of crying) to help him get some independent sleep skills that will help the rest of his Toddler life! CIO won't teach him sleep skills, eventually the child just gives up on you. At 19 months there will be more sleep "bumps" and with CIO the LO just gives up and stops believing that you are there to meet his needs.

Just a few questions:

Are you ready to ditch the night feeds?
What does his routine look llike when he is at home as far as when he wakes up, naps, wakes from nap, eats and then down for the night? The correct routine can help alot.
Can you black his room out?
DO you have a wind-down routine that you do before sleep? ( such as supper, bath, story, rock a minute, song then down in crib?)
Do you have a blow-up bed or camping mattress that you can move YOU into HIS room to help with this process?
Does he have a lovey or comfort item?

If you don't mind answering these questions we can come up with a plan to help you both get some rest! The general idea here is for you to be there for him but he is in his bed. I would start by implementing a wind-down routine that tells him "time to get ready to sleep" and maybe bring the lovey into that to hopefully help with his wanting to be with you. Then into dark room ( do you have white noise?) and lay him down. At this age the more you can settle IN the crib the better, I would really try not to pick him up. You could sit by his bed, repeat your sleepy phrase, avoiding eye contact. If you need to rub his back gently or stroke his hair or something that he likes to calm him that is fine but he is putting himself to sleep. I would sit by him and then maybe move to the mattress when he is asleep so you can be there when he wakes again to help him back to sleep.

What do you think? The first few nights will be rough but things will get better! Is your DH on board with taking a night so you can rest? Support and having someone there to back you up helps a lot! Hope this helps!

[rayan2012]

Hi! Thank you for responding

1) I am more than ready to ditch the night feeds.

2) His routine when is at home varies, but generally when we are in our normal schedule (minus interruptions), he wakes up 7:30am/8am, breakfast, playtime, lunch then takes a nap around 1pm. He wakes up at 2:15/2:30. Sometimes if I am really tired I usually take the nap with him but I don't breastfeed during the day, sometimes I will slip out and he will sleep the entire nap without me. Eats a snack, playtime, dinner, then if it is a bath day (every other day), I give him a bath then we stay up a little longer and he goes to bed around 8:30/9pm.

3) I think if I get the pull down blinds or garbage bags I think I can block out the window.

4) Our wind down routine is usually just turning off all the lights, heading to the room, changing into pjs, changing diaper. We are cosleeping right now so its kind of goodnight for us. I don't do bath or book at bedtime because for some reason that gets him more excited and energetic. Bath right before bed has always been a disaster, when he was younger he would have night wakings if I made bath time too close to bed time. And now that hes older he gets really excited at bath time and runs around immediately after the bath. So I keep the wind-down routine very basic.

5) I have a futon mattress that we both sleep on beside his crib. He see's the crib every night because it is beside us. However, I never tried putting him into the crib and me sleep on the mattress.

6) He doesn't have a lovey or comfort item, hes very spirited so some things just don't grab his attention long enough.

7) I don't have a white noise machine but I feel as though it would distract/scare him, I tried it when he was a baby and it worked only for about a few weeks just making him sleep longer without having too many night wakings.

8)DH is on board but only for the weekend because he has work and can't afford to be tired.

Thank you so much, you gave me some hope that this can be done that it is not too late I really appreciate it!

[rayan2012]

Also, I am noticing we are having NW due to hunger, I think the breastmilk I have during the evening is drying up, so for the past few days 5:30am EW, I rock him for like an hour back to sleep, and tonight he woke up and didn't go back to sleep until I gave him a snack. And he eats very well during the day, 3 meals 2 snacks...

[nevinsmama]

OK, if you want to keep one NF that is up to you but I surely wouldn't try to settle for several hours and then feed him, decide when you are willing to feed him and commit to not feeding before then. If that time, say 3:00, comes around keep sitting there trying to settle and calm him until he does fall asleep and then on next waking, even if he only sleeps for 10 minutes, feed him then.

That's fine to have a quick wind-down, whatever works for you.

As far as your routine, I would cut down that PM awake time to about 5 hours, 1.5 hours is roughly the minimum restorative nap that you would want to have and 6.5 hours is a long time. My DD is 21 months and we do 4.5-5 hours after her nap. What do you think?

Does he seem to understand some things you say? Would having a little chat about going to his bed and Mommy
being there for him but staying in his bed help? Up to you, I was surprised how much DD understood at this age.

Ready to start? Have a look at this link, there is more info there that could help, ignore the WIWO, just look at the GW ( gradual withdrawal) plan. Eventually you can move your mattress further and further and then sitting closer to the door and finally...out the door! Walk In/Walk Out vs. The Gradual Withdrawal Method (HOW TO CHOOSE)

This will be worth it, there will be lots of screaming but you will get there, here to hold your hand! 

[rayan2012]

Okay so I feel as though I should tackle the night feedings before GW, does that make sense. Because I think it would be more difficult to take him out of the crib, feed him and put him back even if it is once a night.

I read the GW and it seems easier said than done, LO sometimes it seems like he understands me but sometimes I am not so sure. So this week I will try to stop the feeding and just rock him, and when it seems to be getting smoother I will put him in his crib and do a pat down to calm him down then when that becomes smoother, I will slowly move my mattress away.

Is that how it goes? Would it be better to start off with the NF, just this week has been hectic because he wakes up I realize hes hungry I feed him, and then he goes back to sleep. Just that whole process is exhausting already I can't imagine another week of it.

[CCCmom27]

I don't have much time but will be back later.  I went through a similar situation with both my boys when they were 10 & 9 months old.  IMO I would just get on with getting him in the crib and not try to just rock him.  I think that will just cause  him twice the distress of not getting what he normally does.  Maybe has part of you wind down sit in the rocker read a story, then turn out the lights and sing him a short song while rocking him for a minute (but not to sleep).  I would also be sure when you start you are ready to continue til he's happily in his crib.  With poor ds1 I know I tried several times to get him in his crib and then reverted back to cosleeping and being a human pacifier.   I don't remember reading it anywhere so sorry if I missed it but how does he go to sleep for a nap when he's at home?  If he's nursing or rocking I'd change that at the same time.

[rayan2012]

No problem...

I see what you mean about twice the distress. When we transitioned from several feedings throughout the day and night, to ONLY night feedings it was better just cutting the cord and having him at daycare. When he is at daycare he falls asleep in the highchair after lunch and then he is placed in a playpen. When he is with me I rock him to sleep and put him on the mattress.

CCCmom27 - how long did it take for DS to get accustomed after you stuck through it   

[CCCmom27]

I honestly don't remember clearly  DS1 was pretty quick (he was 10 months).  I remember thinking why didn't I do this sooner.  He caught on quickly and then I just worked my way out of his room.  DS2 took longer and we had lots of bumps with illness and teething so I had to sit in there longer but he did learn to at least lay there and fall asleep himself pretty quickly.  I just had to stay in the room and I'd finally make it out and he'd get sick and I'd be back in there.  What makes you think he's hungry when he wakes?  Does he eat well during the day?  I found with both of mine once I stopped the night feeds they stopping waking.  At first I set the same amount of time they went during the day between feeds and wouldn't feed before then.  Then streched it a little longer and then just resettled rather than offering and for the most part they stopped waking.  At 20 months I wouldn't expect him to actually be hungry for it at all    but that of course is totally up to you.  I just wonder if at this point it will prolong things.  Would he somewhat understand if when you nursed him before bed you said that's it until morning or tomorrow night or whenever you'll nurse again?  Are you planning on continuing to stay sleeping beside him or going to your own bed once he's asleep?

[rayan2012]

I actually think he is teething. I can never be too sure because its not like he drools a lot or cries a lot.

What I will aim to do this week is focus on putting him to sleep 5hrs after his last nap. And talk to him letting him know that he will be sleeping in his bed real soon.

I kinda tried it out :S I put him in his crib he was very willing to go and I was on the mattress and he jumped around a bit looked out the window, talked and then started crying. He was jumping up and down and wouldn't lie down. I know I shouldn't have but I just wanted to see what I was getting myself into. I am extremely nervous.

Would it be counter productive if I got my sister to do the first few nights? Or DH?

[CCCmom27]

Would it be counter productive if I got my sister to do the first few nights? Or DH?

No not counter productive IMO since he associates you/the breast with sleep.  DH actually started the ST with DS2 (we made a deal  )  Are you planning on reducing night feeds at first or just going cold turkey?  The thing I'd be sure of before you have someone else start is that they know the plan and understand it may take a lot of time and could be a lot of waking through the night and they need to stick with it.  You don't want LO crying for an hour or wake 10 times a night only to have someone give up and rock him to sleep.  Then all that crying would pretty much be for nothing.  Are you planning on waiting until the weekend to start?

[nevinsmama]

HI there, just checking on you and offering calming hugs! It will be ok and I am sure you know your LO will pick up on your anxiety so just know that it will all be OK. He can't scream forever and in the long run this will be worth it. You have had some fabulous advice form CCCmom27. I agree with everything she has said! Don't forget to step out the door if you think you are getting over your head. Make yourself comfortable on your mattress if that is still where you are starting from. Keep us posted and take a deep breath. Hang in there, he is just learning how to go to sleep and this will pass.

[rayan2012]

Hi,

Everything is okay just been busy lately. Nevinsmama thanks for the support it means a lot!

CCCmom27, I didnt start yet, I wanted to get into a routine of an 8:30, bedtime but while I was focused on that DS got a cold so now I am dealing with that. I hope by the time the cold is over we will start on a weekend with dh first two nights then I'll switch over.

I will keep you guys posted and wish me luck!

[rayan2012]

Wow, exactly one month later.



After a grueling 3 week run of sleep problems, sleeping too late, not napping, then taking 2 naps a day and going to sleep at 11pm. I realized there was no 'good' time to do this. I think he really needs the structure of a schedule/routine right now. I basically, called my sister to come and help me with the ST, I brought a chair into the room and I blacked out the windows. Because LO is very observant, I made a plan to make him witness that I am no longer in the house and that he would have to rely on his auntie and himself to sleep. He just turned 20 months.

So I did our routine, and I spent some 'down' time with him. Then I BF and when he told me okay lets go to sleep, I said to him sorry mommy is leaving, you are going to sleep with auntie. I proceeded to put on my clothes continuously telling him he is sleeping with auntie tonight and I will see him tomorrow. Surprisingly he put on a small protest then said okay and went to his aunt. I left and said bye bye.

Now my sister took him to the room and put him in the crib, but as I guessed he had a difficult time sleeping, so she put him on her lap and rubbed his back until he fell asleep, then she put him in the crib. Which I am okay with because thats how he goes to sleep at daycare. So I believe he has been sleeping for 30min at this particular point, we moved the futon into the room and I told her to just lean into the crib when he wakes up and rub his back to sleep.

Thank God, that it went this way on the first night because, I was getting really nervous I couldn't do much today. I will update you guys on how it goes also. I just pray that this is a fast process because I don't know how to handle the day to day anxiety  . I just feel so guilty, not that I am a bad mom, but that I set him up for this by constantly delaying it...oh well time will tell I guess

[rayan2012]

Okay first night waking and I am trying to be real strong while hearinghis crying through the walls. I am telling myself its the first night and its going to get better, I hope.