18 month old - no sleep pattern and doesn't go to bed until gone 10pm, need help

[baileyscommet]

Hi, I wondered if you lovely ladies could help me. I have an EXTREMELY active 18month son. He does not stop - he is like the Duracell bunny. He has always had erratic sleep patterns but I'm really struggling with them at the minute because I'm 32 weeks pregnant and suffering from anaemia and B12 deficiency - which are just wiping me out.

He only slept through the night at 13.5 months when I weaned him (was breastfed but ended up in hospital with hypremsis and needed medication which I couldn't take and breastfeed with). Since then he his sleep pattern is anything but regular and I need to get some sort of routine going with him before the baby arrives. He will also only allow me to put him to bed and not my dh, which sometimes is a nuisance because I'm feeling so knackered!

He will just keep going and going and going in the evenings, literally tearing around. I try to wind him down with a bath, then quiet time and lots of stories but he will not wind down......eventually he will just crash on the floor with teddy, which is my signal for bedtime. I then take him to bed, read him another story and wait for him to fall asleep in my arms. If I try to take him before this i.e. at a reasonable hour he will just scream. He will claw at me, try to get off my lap and just run around his bedroom. Do I need to accept that he is just highly active and this is his bedtime?

He will wake up anytime from 5am onwards - there is neither rhyme nor reason, every day is different. If he wakes at 5 and I can't get him back to sleep then we are up for the day, if sometimes I'm too tired because it was nearer 11 he crashed then I'll put him in with me and he'll sleep for another couple of hours. Other days I have to wake him at 7 because I will not let him go past this time because I'll end up paying for it that evening - i.e. his bedtime will be pushed out even further! I hope this makes sense?

Naps, he will never go down for a nap of his own accord and will only nap in the car if out. I never let him have more than 1 hour. He needs a daytime nap as he can get really grotty if he doesn't so I don't think he is ready to drop this yet.

Look forward to any advice you can offer me
.

[j.and.e]

How long has this been going on? It cud be the pregnancy has disturbed his sleep. Does he show signs of separation anxiety during the day? I think you need to teach him to wind down and sleep instead of crash exhausted. Is he still in a cot? My ds2 is 19mo and i have started playing him an audio cd to listen to and fall asleep. He is happier to be left at bt xx

[baileyscommet]

Hi, He has never slept well. He used to wake 3 or 4 times a night until I breastfed weaned him. Since then at least twice a night he will wake in the night and he will only accept me as comfort. I am his comfort in every way at bedtime, so I really doubt this is pregnancy related as he has always been a problem sleeper. I think I'm just struggling with the late nights more because of my pregnancy. We can't seem to get him to wind down at all - he just tears around.

He is still in a cot, he is quite little so hasn't tried to escape...yet.

He has to sit on my lap and fall asleep. Sometimes it can take 2 minutes, sometimes it can take 45 and that's when he's indicated he's exhausted.

[anna*]

How much does he nap in the day? Sounds like he's massively overtired and also doesn't know how to get himself to sleep.

[baileyscommet]

Hi Anna, I never let him have more than hour figuring if he did have longer then he would be up even longer. He seems to be able to manage on very little sleep and very well most days, its me that's suffering! Should I just accept that he needs very little sleep?

[anna*]

I think he needs more than an hour. I think he is hugely OVERtired, because he is getting way, way, way less sleep than most kiddos his age. If he was getting 1hr nap and 11-12 hrs at night that would be low sleep needs - he is way less than that.

So there are two things here. One is getting him to bed earlier, and the other is teaching him to fall asleep by himself (not just crash out on your lap when he is so exhausted he can't carry on). My main concern for you is that there is going to be lots and lots of crying, and you need to be 100% committed to the process and the goal before you start on it, otherwise you'll get nowhere and it's not fair on him. If you're so tired, are you in a position to give this the time and effort it's going to take? Will your DH help, if we come up with a plan?

[j.and.e]

How much sleep do u think he needs? Can u try sticking to a schedule for a couple of wks, e.g pick a nap time and a bt and do his routine, then do wi.wo or gw until he's asleep? After a few weeks he will have learnd to go to bed by himself. I wud think 10hrs is a minimum for nite sleep. My ds1 usually does 11. What time does he nap? I know sometimes late nap=late bed. I wud try to pick a routine for him and stick to it for 2wks then tweak it to suit him xx

[baileyscommet]

Hi, thank you both for your responses. I think that my lo needs 10 hours a night - he seems happy if he's woken after this much sleep. So I realise he is low needs in terms of sleep - joy oh joy! So is this what I should focus on? Should we start with 9 - 7 and then try to work back to 8 - 6?

I am committed to this as we have to get it sorted before my teenage son starts his final school in Sept and the baby arrives in early October. However, I'm not comfortable with a lot of tears and neither is my dh. Is there a methid we could use (that I realise would take longer) that would be gentler? I do realise the tears would just be upset at the method changing and not him in complete distress but we would both struggle with lots and lots of tears and want to be as gentle as possible with him.

I have no idea how we would get him to nap in the day if not in the car! He just resists sleep so much.

Bearing all I've said are you able to help me come up with a plan or is that too much to ask?

[baileyscommet]

Also, sorry forgot to ask how do we break the cycle that lo will only let me put him to bed? Would we deal with that at the same time, would that be incorporated into the plan or would we get a new routine and then introduce dh?

[anna*]

Even Elizabeth Pantley (author of No Cry Sleep Solution) says there's no such thing as a no cry solution for toddlers. We're not going to leave him to cry it out, but toddlers don't take kindly to change and are very vocal about it! I think we would include DH in the plan from day 1.

[baileyscommet]

Lol, I hadn't thought of it like that. You are right and as long as I'm there with him he will just be demonstrating his frustration at the change won't he?

[anna*]

Exactly. He may well be furious, and very loud about it, but you will know that he's not in pain and not afraid - just cross. Expect full force tantrums!

[baileyscommet]

We're experiencing a few of the tantrums at the minute, so I'm fully prepared! Look forward to hearing how you think I tackle this......

[anna*]

Well my approach would be to work out a routine that you think will work for him, and make a start. I would suggest:

7am awake
12.30pm nap for 1.5hrs
2pm awake
8pm asleep for the night

This still represents pretty low sleep for his age. He may need more. He is probably quite unlikely to need less. It may be that times need tweaking as we go long.

So the main thing is the wind-down. 20 mins before sleep time make sure his tummy is nice and full, maybe a drink of milk here. Then take him into his bedroom and put on some quiet music and draw the curtains. Don't get hung up trying to get him to chill out, just sit quietly and let him do whatever. Then 10 mins before sleep time, do your wind-down routine (maybe change nappy, then cuddle him and do a little slow dance). Then 5 mins before sleep time, give him a kiss and put him in his cot. This is where he will start screaming and complaining. If he is happy and just playing in his cot, leave him to it and walk out the room.

Assuming he is screaming and crying, grab a couple of cushions and get comfortable on the floor next to his cot. Keep your voice low and calm, just tell him over and over 'lie down baby. It's just sleep time. Mummy's here.' Pat the mattress. Stay on the floor so that if he wants to be near you he has to lie down too. Maybe lie down yourself so that you're modelling the behaviour you want to see.

Expect this to go on for an hour. At nap times, after an hour, get him up, and then try again in another hour or so. It is quite normal for him to skip his nap entirely the first couple of days of sleep training - I'm telling you this so that you know it's normal and don't give up. If he doesn't nap, bedtime will need to be really early, maybe 6.30pm.

At bedtime, you don't stop after an hour - you just stay with him until he eventually sleeps. I would do alternate nights between you and DH, or you could tag team so you each do 45 mins and then swap. Do try to make sure that DH is involved at least half of the time.

This is going to be a real battle. Your little guy needs to learn how to go to sleep when YOU tell him it's sleep time, not to keep going like the energizer bunny until he crashes from sheer exhaustion. You will feel like he will cry forever, but he won't cry forever, he WILL sleep eventually, and each time he falls asleep in his cot, it will be easier for him the next time.

What do you think?

[anna*]

Oh and for next steps - once you're at the point where he's napping and going to sleep in his cot (it doesn't have to be with no crying, just like you feel you're making some progress) - at that point, you start to move away from his cot. Make your seat on the floor a couple of feet away from the cot. Stay there for a couple of days, then move some more. Again - you don't need to wait until he's falling asleep 'perfectly' before you move, progress is key. Once you're at the door, then you will start doing Walk In Walk Out.