dreadful bedtime with 31 month old

[Haribo2012]

We also played games with DS cuddly bed toys, like peeking round the corner of the cot then whispering sleepy things to mummy then DS.
Hope you get a better BT x

[K-JDA]

Our bedtime routine involves all sorts of games and stuff - hide and seek, rolling on the floor into sleeping bag, flying into bed, stories on the floor all over the room, games to turn out the lights - we have to mix it up every few weeks!! The only thing I keep the same is the final cuddles in the dark before putting into bed - although these now include nose rubs, squeezy cuddles, big cuddles!

How was last night?

[Clairehv]

Well after the 1hour plus of hysterics she woke at 2.30 needing a wee and tool until 3am to fall back asleep then awake at 6am

Just had a complete nap time battle as well which is very unusual. Crying didn't want to get in cot. Has taken 45 mins to settle and finally fell asleep with me holding mid way through a hysterical cry!!

Oh well fresh attempt tonight.
X

[weaver]

Out of interest, Claire, has she ever done a no nap day? And how did that go?  Sometimes no nap is a good reset for the routine.

[Clairehv]

Hi
So things haven't really improved here.
Took a backwards step on Saturday night. She got herself so upset at bedtime and didn't want to go in the cot and after a dreadful nap resistance earlier I ended up sitting in the chair next to her and holding her hand. Into cot at 7pm and asleep by 7.30pm. We were going out for a very rare evening together so I admit I wanted her to go to sleep.
She slept until 7.25am

Sunday evening again bath avoidance and then wouldn't get out of bath but once out did actually get dressed and sat on my knee and had two stories.
Into cot and lots of upset as really wanted me to hold her hand, I ended up holding her hand again. Not asleep until nearly 8pm.
Woke at 2.25am wanting a wee on potty and then took 45 mins to settle with me sitting next to her holding her hand.

Tonight DH had a nightmare with her tonight.
I went out just before 6pm. Gave her a kiss,and cuddle goodbye.
She messed around for DH before getting into the bath. Had a nice bath then refused to get out or brush her teeth.
Only got into her pjs with threat of no stories.
Read stories together ok.
Then he went to put her in the cot, she started crying ' want mummy' and getting hysterical. She was hysterical almost not breathing for 45-50 mins, he couldn't calm her down.
He stayed in the room, tried to calm her down, nothing worked and when I got home at 8pm she was sobbing.
I held her hand to sleep.

We feel so sad that she is so emotional at bedtime.
I am lost on whether to get tougher so leaving the room and doing walk in walk out of try the GW again and pick up where we left off on Friday
I know we have lapsed in consistency but not sure what to do when she gets,herself into such a state.

Thanks for letting me moan x

[Clairehv]

Essentially we just face a different procrastination every night.
If I say no or try to get her into her pjs it just results in a battle and then tears which make bedtime even harder.
Tonight wasn't too bad in that we didn't have tears to get her into pjs. She got down from my knee halfway through story and played with a soft toy. She dragged a large muslin out of drawer and then wanted to make a bed on the floor.
I finished the story then got her into got. Said night night and sat on chair but then she started messing around and,standing in the cot so I have left the room.

I just don't know what to do, when she lies down I go back in and say night night and sit the chair and the messing about starts,again.
TBH her behaviour is challenging in the day as which I know is an age thing and we have to teach boundaries and consistency which I do try my best to, but it is just driving me around the bend at bedtime.
I am also really stressed as next week DH away but then I have to go away for 1 night which is none negotiable. My sister has agreed to do pick up from childcare and bath-bed a stay overnight. I am dreading it for her. (Think it will put her off kids forever)
So we are about 6 weeks into this behaviour now. How is it going to get better? I didn't see any difference with capping her nap and GW.
7.30pm- she has taken her pjs off and won't put them back on.
Don't want to leave her like that as she will wake up cold but should I force her into them which is pretty impossible actually and will result in hysterics.
Gosh I feel like I am in a never ending cycle of doom!!

[Haribo2012]

Oh hun sounds like very hard work at the minute. Is she still napping?
It might be time to get a bit tougher  We had a lot of this behaviour a few months ago and it resulted in doing deals. I'd personally explain what's happening, so after this story you will be going to bed and it's time to sleep, I'd also say that you will leave bedroom door open and sit on the stairs but only if she's quiet and goes to sleep. I told DS that if he carried on making noises and messing about then I wouldn't sit on the stairs. It took a while with the calling for me, I'd pop in say night time I'm on the stairs but remember quiet etc.
I would also let her tuck toys in but tell her she can do that in her bed so they can sleep with her. Re pj's can you give a choice if she takes them off offer a different pair? I'd tell her you will be cold without them on but that's your choice so would you like them on or off!

You'll prob find she wants them on after a few mins. If not get a baggy pair and put them on when she's asleep or a baggy tshirt so it's easy to get on? xx

[Clairehv]

Hi Zoe
Yes I think bedtime has to mean bedtime now and the hand holding etc isn't helping.
Actually tonight after taking her pjs off I left the room. She asked for a wee so had one and then agreed to different pj's (short ones though so hope she does not get cold)
She went into cot and I said night night, she asked for hand hold but I just said night night mummy going to bed. I left the room and she just stayed lying down and went to sleep. She was probably exhausted though as it was nearly 8pm.

Will see how tomorrow goes. X

[Haribo2012]

That sounds like you did a great job. Even now my DS says every night can u sit in my room, I always give him an extra cuddle and say you know it's BT and mummy has to sort the washing, finish jobs and then it's my BT (lots of washing to fold lol)

Not saying this is the case but they do know what works to get to you x

[Clairehv]

Hi
We don't feel like we are doing a great job, She is hysterical if DH tries to put her to bed which means the majority is falling to me. She won't accept him doing bedtime at all if I am in the house and if I go out to the gym, it is as if she refuses to go to sleep until I am back!!.
Then when I do bedtime we just get the 1 hour + of the unsettled behavior, asking for toilet, general procrastination. Oh I get so frustrated. I just want my dinner and perhaps a 5 min conversation with DH before I go to bed! (too much to hope for perhaps)

I appreciate that there is a developmental leap at around 2.5 years, and looking back some serious separation anxiety over me working away coupled then with two weeks of chicken pox but we are 6 weeks on from there now.

Oh well, every night I hope it may get better. Will cling onto that for a while. 
The EWs have continued as well despite the fact her bedtime is later (unintentional)

X

[Haribo2012]

My DS will favour me putting him to bed over DH. I do remember this phase well as we were eating dinner at 9pm.
I think it's just a case of staying consistent and as much as it's a pain don't let it get to you if you can help it as she will pick up on it.

Could you eat dinner before bt for a few weeks so at least you are doing it all not hungry? I think our worst BT was from 32-34 months, screaming mummy I need u here, go away daddy etc. it did pass Hun, lots of cuddles, talking about how nice bedroom is etc and lots of playing with mummy but daddy doing bath and if I need to go out then DS has to go to bed by daddy.
Could u stay out a bit later so DH does whole BT, she will be fine and may kick up a fuss but as long as DH consistent too saying it's ok daddy's here and time for sleep, mummy will be back later or something like that.
I try and think of it along lines of if my DS was having a meltdown over not being allowed new toy or chocolate etc I wouldn't give in, so although u want BT calm sometimes they can't have you ALL to themselves constantly sometimes you have stuff to do. X

[Clairehv]

Hi
I am almost at the point of just putting in the cot at bedtime and shutting the door and then putting earplugs in downstairs!!!
I obviously won't but she is pushing every boundary.
I thought Thursday evening we had made some progress actually, after story she went into cot. I switched light off and we said night night and then she started,asking for my hand. I stated I would hold her hand for one song then would go.
Sang 'twinkle twinkle' then said I needed toilet and would come back.
Left for a couple of minutes then went back and said night night, mummy go to bed.
I walked out. She stayed,lying down and grumbled a bit but went to sleep herself.
Last night I tried the same so story big cuddles before cot and then said Mummy hold hand for little bit and twinkle then mummy tired mummy go to bed.
Had to do more WI/WO and she took her pjs off in protest. TBH there was no real crying just shouting and messing around.
She did settle and fell asleep herself at around 7.50pm after I had been in again and said night night.

Tonight was a backwards step I feel. Refusal to get out of bath so when lifted out there were tears. Refusal to get into pjs resulting in a tantrum. Left her to calm down then did story. She wouldn't get in cot and got every single soft toy from her shelves in room and put into cot.
Then got it. I sat and held hand whilst singing twinkle, then said night night. Left, went back in after a few mins. Another night night then left.
Then she wanted a wee, and is now back in cot but just messing about with her soft toys. Not shouting or crying yet. We are 30 mins in from her going into cot for the first time now.
Went back in and I said our sleep phrase, and said Mummy going to bed.
Went out and sat on landing, she stayed lying down and fell asleep by 7.45, no crying.
So maybe WI/WO is the way forward and I do think that bedtime should mean bedtime.

I agree with trying to eat together and spend as much time in day to get her through this SA phase. We can't eat together mon-Fri but we do on weekends.
With regards to DH doing bedtime.We will continue as he has to when I am away, she puts on a good fight though and would probably be sat on the drive post9pm!
May be worth a,try ha x

[Haribo2012]

Keep going with it Hun she will get the idea that you mean business, sometimes they have a good few days then regress before getting it again. My DS definitely messes about more if I'm in the room, if she's not crying that's good, leave her to it.

Did you say she's still napping? Sounds a bit of UT messing in there too!

We only eat together thurs-sun with being at work but any time together will fill her mummy cup of its SA.

How was your night? xx

[Clairehv]

Hi
So Monday night DH did bedtime, lots of crying, cot resistance but finally asleep by 8pm.
Woke at 6.10am

Tuesday night both DH and I were away separately with work. I was so worried, My sister and BIL did pick up from childminders and everything went really well, she was like an angel for them, no crying or fighting after bathtime, had stories and cuddles, did mess about in the cot but no crying and my sister just sat in the room until she fell asleep by 8pm. I was so relieved for them.
Wednesday morning she woke at 6.30am.
Nap 12.45-2pm (was woken up by childminder as we are nap capping)
Played up for me massively, had hysterics and refused to get in car seat, finally got home. Had a relatively nice play and bathtime and story time, and then proper cot resistance again. Managed to get in cot but then she was crying and took her pjs and pull up nappy off.
Flat refused to put nappy on, I managed to get it on but she took off again both times. Lots of crying, me doing Wi/WO. she went to sleep by 7.50 with no nappy on and I managed to go back in at 8.30pm and put one on in her sleep.
She woke at 2.45am but settled and then woke at 6.30am today.
Started off getting dressed ok and then flat refused to put her clothes on. She put her pjs back on. If I try and force her or hold her to get dressed it is just awful
I took her to the childminders in her pjs and surprise surprise she of course got dressed straight away there.

I am finding this behaviour a real struggle, the constant 'no's 'me not want to' just seem endless and I am struggling with what I have to be really tough on and what to just try and let wash over me?

I don't feel there is any end in sight.
I do not seem to know anyone else who has the same BT issues, regardless of if their toddler naps or not. I know there are lots of us struggling as I read the posts, but having had an almost textbook daughter I am just struggling to know what to do. (Please tell this phase doesn't last for another 16 years  )

[patsy32]

Hi Claire, hugs to you.
I know how hard this is for you as we went through something similar only a few weeks ago.
It started with Dd who was 27 mths at the time waking every 2nd night at 12.30 am And always resulted with her ending up in our bed for the rest of the night. This went on for about a good mth or so and it was only on the advice of another bw mum here that I took action and went to nnds or a 20 min car nap if really necessary every 2/3 day's. 
I couldn't believe how well it worked and never would have been brave enough to do it without the advice and support from this site. I actually really thought my dd still needed her 1 hr nap each day but it turned out I was totally wrong and all the nw's were a sign she needed nap cut. Maybe your bt tantrums are a sign of been ut too. I think someone already enquired about if you have done a nnd already.  No harm to try and see or just offer a 20 min nap around 3 pm to get her through to normal bt !!
Back to the ending up in our bed. A bit like your hand holding situation. It became a habit! After weeks of waking up at 12.30 and into our bed as we couldn't resettle her in the cot.she would cry and call us for like ever and eventually if it meant sleep for everyone we caved in and the habit took hold. It got to the stage where just like your dd she was crying going into the cot and saying 'Mammys bed, no cot ' etc etc etc!  What I did.......
Routine as usual, bath, pj's, bottle, teeth and so on. Down to bedroom into sleeping bag. Lift up to put in cot and crying started so I would calmly say ' no Mammys bed,  this is S's bed. Mammy and Daddy sleep in Mammys bed, S sleeps in her cot' give kiss while lowering into cot, say night night as usual. The 1 St night I sat on bed in her room but never made eye contact or spoke to her while she was crying,  kicking , banging the cot etc. when she fell asleep I only made to her door and she woke crying and saying 'Mammy bed 'again I said 'no Mammys bed this is S's bed' In a firm but calm voice.  I spoke to her from the door and never made eye contact.  I waited by the door until she did finally fall asleep about 40/50 min in total.
2nd night same story although this time when crying going into cot I repeated my speal 'no Mammys bed this is S's bed' and I went straight to the door where she could see me but I didn't make eye contact or speak to her from that point on. Took about 20 min to fall asleep.
3rd night when going into cot she said herself 'no Mammys bed ' and I just replied  'no Mammys bed this is S's bed'. Dropped her into cot said night night and walked out the door. No cry and went to sleep within a few mins and no trouble with bt ever since touch wood.
I  think you need to be firm with the whole bt process. As in if it's bath time and she refuses to get in just pick her up and put her in and the same for the the whole routine but completely ignore all tantrum behaviour so instead of holding hand let her see you ate still there with her but if you say no hand holding then that means no hand holding no matter what!
I know this might seem very harsh but believe me at this age and from my own experience toddler's latch onto habits so quickly and don't let go easily but if you stick to your guns and show her you mean business she'll soon learn that the messing around is getting her nowhere!
With the pj's I wount even react if she takes them off as mentioned above,  just put something loose on after or tuck her in with a fleece blanket after she falls asleep but don't react at the time. My motto is reward the behaviour you want and completely ignore the behaviour you don't want.
sorry if this is absolutely no help to you at all but just a few thoughts on what happened with us and what we did to get through it. X